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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Pregnant Woman Glows With Rage

BROOKLYN, NY—Developments common to the seventh month of pregnancy have caused mother-to-be Anita Cernicke to glow with the inner light of pure fury, those close to the Cernickes report. "Jesus Christ, my fucking back," Cernicke, incandescent with the wrath of impending motherhood, said repeatedly to her husband during a recent trip to the grocery store. "Ask the manager if I can use the restroom. I'm peeing every 15 minutes, I swear. How long until I can have a god-damned drink?" Family sources said they see no reason why Cernicke's positively livid radiance can't sustain itself to the baby's due date and beyond.

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