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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Pregnant Woman Killed In Propecia-Handling Incident

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Investigators are citing "broken Propecia tablet-handling" as the cause of Monday's death of San Antonio resident Nancy Ivey. According to reports, Ronald Ivey returned home from work at 5:20 p.m. to find his pregnant wife's charred remains on the kitchen floor near an open bottle of his Propecia hair-regrowth medication. A subsequent autopsy revealed that a broken tablet had been "handled in a reckless and cavalier manner" by the woman. "This senseless tragedy could have easily been averted," a shaken San Antonio police chief Derrick Rudd said. "I beg you, please help spread the word: Women who are or may be pregnant must not use Propecia or handle broken tablets."

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