Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Pregnant Women Asked To Leave Convention Hall During Ted Cruz Speech For Safety Of Developing Fetuses

CLEVELAND—Warning that remaining in the vicinity could lead to numerous adverse health effects, officials at the Republican National Convention asked all pregnant women to leave Quicken Loans Arena during Ted Cruz’s speech Wednesday night for the safety of their developing fetuses, sources confirmed. “We urge pregnant women in attendance to take precautions to protect their unborn children by exiting the premises for the entirety of Ted Cruz’s speech, as any exposure to the senator could cause significant birth defects,” announced RNC operations manager Caroline Davidson over the arena’s sound system 15 minutes prior to the Texas lawmaker’s scheduled appearance, while volunteers distributed pamphlets outlining further steps pregnant mothers should take to safeguard themselves, including not reentering the building for at least 24 hours after the senator had finished speaking and avoiding direct contact with anyone who was present during Cruz’s speech for the remainder of their pregnancy. “Failure to heed this warning could result in complications for your child’s cranial nerve development, while prolonged exposure has been shown to pose a substantially increased risk of major congenital malformations. We also have reason to believe that any genetic abnormalities stemming from one’s proximity to Cruz could manifest not only in your child, but in their eventual children as well.” Following the announcement, convention officials reportedly distributed lead aprons to those remaining seated in the first 20 rows, instructing attendees to make sure they covered their abdominal organs completely, before welcoming Cruz to the stage.

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