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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Pregnant Women Asked To Leave Convention Hall During Ted Cruz Speech For Safety Of Developing Fetuses

CLEVELAND—Warning that remaining in the vicinity could lead to numerous adverse health effects, officials at the Republican National Convention asked all pregnant women to leave Quicken Loans Arena during Ted Cruz’s speech Wednesday night for the safety of their developing fetuses, sources confirmed. “We urge pregnant women in attendance to take precautions to protect their unborn children by exiting the premises for the entirety of Ted Cruz’s speech, as any exposure to the senator could cause significant birth defects,” announced RNC operations manager Caroline Davidson over the arena’s sound system 15 minutes prior to the Texas lawmaker’s scheduled appearance, while volunteers distributed pamphlets outlining further steps pregnant mothers should take to safeguard themselves, including not reentering the building for at least 24 hours after the senator had finished speaking and avoiding direct contact with anyone who was present during Cruz’s speech for the remainder of their pregnancy. “Failure to heed this warning could result in complications for your child’s cranial nerve development, while prolonged exposure has been shown to pose a substantially increased risk of major congenital malformations. We also have reason to believe that any genetic abnormalities stemming from one’s proximity to Cruz could manifest not only in your child, but in their eventual children as well.” Following the announcement, convention officials reportedly distributed lead aprons to those remaining seated in the first 20 rows, instructing attendees to make sure they covered their abdominal organs completely, before welcoming Cruz to the stage.

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