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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Preparing A Living Will

A living will is a legal document that provides directives for your medical care in the event that you are physically unable to express them. Here are some things to keep in mind while creating a living will:


  • It's important to have a lawyer present when you draft a living will, as it makes the desire to be dead that much more tangible.
  • Specify which flavor of feeding-tube nutrient you prefer. Otherwise, you may get stuck with cream of mushroom day in and day out.
  • If, in the event of a catastrophic brain injury, you wish to be taken off life support and kept out of the guardianship of your overprotective Catholic parents, underline those directives over and over with a thick red pen and then highlight them in bright yellow.
  • Leave at least one reasonably flattering photo for the press. This point cannot be emphasized enough.
  • Explain in no uncertain terms that, should you die and return as a zombie, loved ones must shoot you in the head without hesitation.
  • Research medical life-support technology and specify whether you'd prefer to be hooked up to a Danninger Continuous Passive Motion device, an Emerson suction unit, or a Slushee machine.
  • Comatose people have been shown to exhibit a brainstem-level response to music, so prepare a decade's worth of mix tapes in advance.
  • A living will is a great way to meet a notary public, if notaries public are your thing.
  • A health-care agent is the person assigned to make your medical decisions in the event you are unable to. A talented, aggressive health-care agent will score you the absolute best medical care available, but will charge you a 15- to 20-percent commission.
  • Telling your friends while you're drunk that it would suck to be on life support doesn't constitute a living will. Make sure to write it on the back of a coaster.
  • Don't underestimate how quickly your family, including your beloved wife and two cherubic children, will tire of the burden you will become.
  • If you choose to remain on life support indefinitely, make sure your family is legally restricted from dressing you up as a corporate mascot and renting you out for parties.
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