Preparing For A Hospital Stay

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Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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College Freshman Decides To Be Lanyard-Wearing Kind

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that this was not a choice he had made lightly, University of Michigan student Kevin Peterson told reporters Thursday that he had officially decided to become one of the lanyard-wearing kind of freshmen.

Preparing For A Hospital Stay

While a trip to the hospital is rarely pleasant, here are some tips to help you prepare for the experience:

Preparing For A Hospital Stay

  • Before entering a hospital for treatment, weigh your holistic health-care options against your wish to actually get better.
  • If you have a wok at home, it's a good idea to get some bedpan practice before the pressure is on.
  • Some drugs react violently with alcohol; some don't. Ask around.
  • If you are going to the hospital for treatment of a severed limb, remember to bring the limb.
  • Bring your regular medications with you to the hospital. God only knows where the hospital finds theirs.
  • Read a couple of Newsweek articles about your condition. This information will allow you to second-guess your doctor's every move.
  • Be forewarned: Hospitals apply a vast mark-up to the items in the in-room minibars.
  • Wear clothing that is loose-fitting and comfortable, yet appropriate to bleed in.
  • If you behave like a brave little soldier, you may be offered ice cream.
  • Whatever you do, don't check into any facility called "General Hospital." That place is full of back-stabbing, narcissistic lunatics.
  • Pack several extra pairs of slippers. Slippers in the hospital are like cigarettes in prison.
  • Before knocking out an intern and stealing his uniform, make sure he's your size.
  • Many patients complain that hospitals cut their stay short. Don't be coerced into signing out until you're dilated to 10 cm and the baby's head can be seen.
  • Bring $500 in fives to "grease the wheels," if you get my meaning. The good mashed potatoes.
  • If bruised, find a hospital known to have a good bruise ward.
  • Keep in mind that, today, many procedures can be performed on an outpatient basis. Some can even be done outside.
  • When you arrive at your hospital room, decide which item you'd be willing to accept as the final thing you see on this earth.