adBlockCheck

Recent News

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Preparing For A Hospital Stay

While a trip to the hospital is rarely pleasant, here are some tips to help you prepare for the experience:

Preparing For A Hospital Stay

  • Before entering a hospital for treatment, weigh your holistic health-care options against your wish to actually get better.
  • If you have a wok at home, it's a good idea to get some bedpan practice before the pressure is on.
  • Some drugs react violently with alcohol; some don't. Ask around.
  • If you are going to the hospital for treatment of a severed limb, remember to bring the limb.
  • Bring your regular medications with you to the hospital. God only knows where the hospital finds theirs.
  • Read a couple of Newsweek articles about your condition. This information will allow you to second-guess your doctor's every move.
  • Be forewarned: Hospitals apply a vast mark-up to the items in the in-room minibars.
  • Wear clothing that is loose-fitting and comfortable, yet appropriate to bleed in.
  • If you behave like a brave little soldier, you may be offered ice cream.
  • Whatever you do, don't check into any facility called "General Hospital." That place is full of back-stabbing, narcissistic lunatics.
  • Pack several extra pairs of slippers. Slippers in the hospital are like cigarettes in prison.
  • Before knocking out an intern and stealing his uniform, make sure he's your size.
  • Many patients complain that hospitals cut their stay short. Don't be coerced into signing out until you're dilated to 10 cm and the baby's head can be seen.
  • Bring $500 in fives to "grease the wheels," if you get my meaning. The good mashed potatoes.
  • If bruised, find a hospital known to have a good bruise ward.
  • Keep in mind that, today, many procedures can be performed on an outpatient basis. Some can even be done outside.
  • When you arrive at your hospital room, decide which item you'd be willing to accept as the final thing you see on this earth.

More from this section

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close