Preparing For A Hospital Stay

In This Section

Vol 40 Issue 15

Study: Owning A Boat Not Worth It

YONKERS, NY—According to a study published in the April issue of Boating Magazine, owning a boat is not even close to worth it. "Our study proved conclusively that boat-ownership is primarily an inconvenience and a monetary black hole," editor Roger Bernbaum said. "We found little to no reason to keep that thing sitting in a shed all winter just so you can tow it to the lake and pay outrageous docking fees three weekends a year. It'd be much more cost-efficient to don a yachting cap and hang out at the dockhouse." The May issue of Boating promises to explore the financial viability of seaside vacation homes.

Zambia Tired Of Being Mentioned In 'News Of The Weird' Section

LUSAKA, ZAMBIA—Zambian president H.E. Levy P. Mwanawasa publicly chastised Reuters and 10 other news organizations Monday for featuring Zambia in their "news of the weird" sections. "Zambia has a rich cultural history well beyond the man who can swallow razor blades," Mwanawasa said. "Either feature something about Zambia besides dodecatuplets, or don't feature Zambia at all." Interestingly, in addition to being the Zambian leader, Mwanawasa is also the proud owner of the world's longest soda-can pull-tab chain.

Room Scanned For Something To Sell On eBay

ALBANY, CA—Applying tape to the last package in a 12-item round of eBay sales, Brandon Vye scanned his bedroom for anything else he could auction off online. "I sold the Grand Ole Opry floaty pen... the UNO cards... the Santa socks—so now what?" Vye asked as he spun around in his swivel chair. "Maybe I could sell these science textbooks, or my tapes of old SNL episodes? God, I've got to have something I can mail off."After listing a misshapen clay bowl he made in a high-school ceramics class, Vye decided to head out to the yard to search for "eBay-able stuff" there.

Man Nods His Way To The Top

BOSTON—Using his unparalleled ability to nod after his superiors speak, Thomas J. Mieritz, 39, rose to the level of vice-president at Fidelity Investments Monday. "I knew Mieritz was the man for the job the instant I started talking. He was ready to get on board with every one of my proposed mutual-fund investment initiatives," Fidelity chairman Edward C. Johnson III said. "I thought, 'Now, there's a man who makes smart decisions without a lot of hullabaloo.'" Johnson added that, if Mieritz can master boot-licking, buck-passing, and myopic self-satisfaction, he'll probably run the company one day.

Resistance In Iraq

A sudden surge in anti-occupation violence in Iraq has prompted some Americans to fear the coalition forces' control is slipping. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Preparing For A Hospital Stay

While a trip to the hospital is rarely pleasant, here are some tips to help you prepare for the experience:

Preparing For A Hospital Stay

  • Before entering a hospital for treatment, weigh your holistic health-care options against your wish to actually get better.
  • If you have a wok at home, it's a good idea to get some bedpan practice before the pressure is on.
  • Some drugs react violently with alcohol; some don't. Ask around.
  • If you are going to the hospital for treatment of a severed limb, remember to bring the limb.
  • Bring your regular medications with you to the hospital. God only knows where the hospital finds theirs.
  • Read a couple of Newsweek articles about your condition. This information will allow you to second-guess your doctor's every move.
  • Be forewarned: Hospitals apply a vast mark-up to the items in the in-room minibars.
  • Wear clothing that is loose-fitting and comfortable, yet appropriate to bleed in.
  • If you behave like a brave little soldier, you may be offered ice cream.
  • Whatever you do, don't check into any facility called "General Hospital." That place is full of back-stabbing, narcissistic lunatics.
  • Pack several extra pairs of slippers. Slippers in the hospital are like cigarettes in prison.
  • Before knocking out an intern and stealing his uniform, make sure he's your size.
  • Many patients complain that hospitals cut their stay short. Don't be coerced into signing out until you're dilated to 10 cm and the baby's head can be seen.
  • Bring $500 in fives to "grease the wheels," if you get my meaning. The good mashed potatoes.
  • If bruised, find a hospital known to have a good bruise ward.
  • Keep in mind that, today, many procedures can be performed on an outpatient basis. Some can even be done outside.
  • When you arrive at your hospital room, decide which item you'd be willing to accept as the final thing you see on this earth.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More