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Preparing For A Hospital Stay

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Preparing For A Hospital Stay

While a trip to the hospital is rarely pleasant, here are some tips to help you prepare for the experience:

Preparing For A Hospital Stay

  • Before entering a hospital for treatment, weigh your holistic health-care options against your wish to actually get better.
  • If you have a wok at home, it's a good idea to get some bedpan practice before the pressure is on.
  • Some drugs react violently with alcohol; some don't. Ask around.
  • If you are going to the hospital for treatment of a severed limb, remember to bring the limb.
  • Bring your regular medications with you to the hospital. God only knows where the hospital finds theirs.
  • Read a couple of Newsweek articles about your condition. This information will allow you to second-guess your doctor's every move.
  • Be forewarned: Hospitals apply a vast mark-up to the items in the in-room minibars.
  • Wear clothing that is loose-fitting and comfortable, yet appropriate to bleed in.
  • If you behave like a brave little soldier, you may be offered ice cream.
  • Whatever you do, don't check into any facility called "General Hospital." That place is full of back-stabbing, narcissistic lunatics.
  • Pack several extra pairs of slippers. Slippers in the hospital are like cigarettes in prison.
  • Before knocking out an intern and stealing his uniform, make sure he's your size.
  • Many patients complain that hospitals cut their stay short. Don't be coerced into signing out until you're dilated to 10 cm and the baby's head can be seen.
  • Bring $500 in fives to "grease the wheels," if you get my meaning. The good mashed potatoes.
  • If bruised, find a hospital known to have a good bruise ward.
  • Keep in mind that, today, many procedures can be performed on an outpatient basis. Some can even be done outside.
  • When you arrive at your hospital room, decide which item you'd be willing to accept as the final thing you see on this earth.

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