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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Preparing For Your Night Out

When gearing up for a fun night out with friends, there are a lot of factors to consider. Here are some things to keep in mind as you’re getting ready:

     
  • If you look a bartender in the eye, you'll need to tip an extra 2 percent.
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  • To prepare for any awkward conversational lulls, spend a few hours learning to turn your eyelids inside-out.
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  • Confidence is key if you want to be on your game when you go out, so be sure to tell each one of your sculpted, multiracial buddies that tonight's going to be a great night and then clink your beverages together before the scene cuts to a slow-motion shot of you entering the club.
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  • If you're not sure you’ll be returning home for the night, choose a handbag roomy enough to pack a just-in-case breakfast burrito.
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  • Whatever you do, do not invite Andy, because that guy's a freaking dipshit. What do you mean he's coming? He's going to ruin the whole night! Aw, man, why do we even hang out with Andy anymore anyway?
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