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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Preparing For Your Night Out

When gearing up for a fun night out with friends, there are a lot of factors to consider. Here are some things to keep in mind as you’re getting ready:

     
  • If you look a bartender in the eye, you'll need to tip an extra 2 percent.
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  • To prepare for any awkward conversational lulls, spend a few hours learning to turn your eyelids inside-out.
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  • Confidence is key if you want to be on your game when you go out, so be sure to tell each one of your sculpted, multiracial buddies that tonight's going to be a great night and then clink your beverages together before the scene cuts to a slow-motion shot of you entering the club.
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  • If you're not sure you’ll be returning home for the night, choose a handbag roomy enough to pack a just-in-case breakfast burrito.
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  • Whatever you do, do not invite Andy, because that guy's a freaking dipshit. What do you mean he's coming? He's going to ruin the whole night! Aw, man, why do we even hang out with Andy anymore anyway?

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