adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
End Of Section
  • More News

Preparing For Your Night Out

When gearing up for a fun night out with friends, there are a lot of factors to consider. Here are some things to keep in mind as you’re getting ready:

     
  • If you look a bartender in the eye, you'll need to tip an extra 2 percent.
  •  
  • To prepare for any awkward conversational lulls, spend a few hours learning to turn your eyelids inside-out.
  •  
  • Confidence is key if you want to be on your game when you go out, so be sure to tell each one of your sculpted, multiracial buddies that tonight's going to be a great night and then clink your beverages together before the scene cuts to a slow-motion shot of you entering the club.
  •  
  • If you're not sure you’ll be returning home for the night, choose a handbag roomy enough to pack a just-in-case breakfast burrito.
  •  
  • Whatever you do, do not invite Andy, because that guy's a freaking dipshit. What do you mean he's coming? He's going to ruin the whole night! Aw, man, why do we even hang out with Andy anymore anyway?

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close