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Preparing For Your Night Out

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Preparing For Your Night Out

When gearing up for a fun night out with friends, there are a lot of factors to consider. Here are some things to keep in mind as you’re getting ready:

     
  • If you look a bartender in the eye, you'll need to tip an extra 2 percent.
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  • To prepare for any awkward conversational lulls, spend a few hours learning to turn your eyelids inside-out.
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  • Confidence is key if you want to be on your game when you go out, so be sure to tell each one of your sculpted, multiracial buddies that tonight's going to be a great night and then clink your beverages together before the scene cuts to a slow-motion shot of you entering the club.
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  • If you're not sure you’ll be returning home for the night, choose a handbag roomy enough to pack a just-in-case breakfast burrito.
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  • Whatever you do, do not invite Andy, because that guy's a freaking dipshit. What do you mean he's coming? He's going to ruin the whole night! Aw, man, why do we even hang out with Andy anymore anyway?

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