adBlockCheck

Preparing For Your Night Out

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Television

Preparing For Your Night Out

When gearing up for a fun night out with friends, there are a lot of factors to consider. Here are some things to keep in mind as you’re getting ready:

     
  • If you look a bartender in the eye, you'll need to tip an extra 2 percent.
  •  
  • To prepare for any awkward conversational lulls, spend a few hours learning to turn your eyelids inside-out.
  •  
  • Confidence is key if you want to be on your game when you go out, so be sure to tell each one of your sculpted, multiracial buddies that tonight's going to be a great night and then clink your beverages together before the scene cuts to a slow-motion shot of you entering the club.
  •  
  • If you're not sure you’ll be returning home for the night, choose a handbag roomy enough to pack a just-in-case breakfast burrito.
  •  
  • Whatever you do, do not invite Andy, because that guy's a freaking dipshit. What do you mean he's coming? He's going to ruin the whole night! Aw, man, why do we even hang out with Andy anymore anyway?

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close