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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Prescription Bottle Recommends Taking 10 Tablets If You Really Want To Fly

BOSTON—Sources confirmed Wednesday that the label affixed to a bottle of prescription medication recommends that users take three pills daily for optimal medical results or take 10 of them at once if they really want to fly. “Take one tablet with water every six hours or pop 10 of these babies in your mouth and blast the fuck off,” the bottle’s label reads in part, adding that the number is an estimate and that users should ultimately base their dosage on how much of a rocket ride they want. “Pregnant women and children younger than seven should not use this medication except under careful supervision of a doctor, but if the rest of you wash down 20 of them, you’re going to the other end of the cosmos and back. You will see the Truth, and you will become one with it.” The label also advises users not to drink alcohol while taking the medication unless they want to softly float around the room.

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