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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Prescription Bottle Recommends Taking 10 Tablets If You Really Want To Fly

BOSTON—Sources confirmed Wednesday that the label affixed to a bottle of prescription medication recommends that users take three pills daily for optimal medical results or take 10 of them at once if they really want to fly. “Take one tablet with water every six hours or pop 10 of these babies in your mouth and blast the fuck off,” the bottle’s label reads in part, adding that the number is an estimate and that users should ultimately base their dosage on how much of a rocket ride they want. “Pregnant women and children younger than seven should not use this medication except under careful supervision of a doctor, but if the rest of you wash down 20 of them, you’re going to the other end of the cosmos and back. You will see the Truth, and you will become one with it.” The label also advises users not to drink alcohol while taking the medication unless they want to softly float around the room.

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