adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
End Of Section
  • More News

Prescription-Drug Safety

When taking prescription drugs, it is vital to be fully informed about proper usage. Here are some helpful hints to ensure your safety:

Prescription-Drug Safety


  • Prescription drugs should be kept far out of reach of children, even if they cry, "Please, please, may I have my medicine?"
  • Some people say you should not exceed the recommended dosage on the bottle. But, come on, it's medicine–it's good for you.
  • Stay away from that Lipitor shit. It's like hosting a Filipino drag-queen knife fight in your skull.
  • If you take medication daily, a useful accessory is a seven-day pill case, which helps you keep track of your intake and serves as a depressing symbol of your mortality.
  • If the pharmacist says your prescription will take 45 minutes to an hour to fill, say "Oh, no," and fall over dead.
  • Never mix prescription painkillers with alcohol, unless you like to party really, really hard.
  • Most people don't realize how much pharmacists enjoy haggling over the price of medications.
  • To reduce the risk of mix-ups at the pharmacy, bring a bat with a nail in it.
  • Most pills should not be taken on an empty stomach. Sprinkle a handful onto a salad.
  • If your pharmacist doesn't offer to have one with you right there in the store, the shit's probably no good.
  • If you are ever in doubt about the safety of a particular medication, consult a qualified physician. He will be happy to pooh-pooh your concerns.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close