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Prescription-Drug Safety

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Prescription-Drug Safety

When taking prescription drugs, it is vital to be fully informed about proper usage. Here are some helpful hints to ensure your safety:

Prescription-Drug Safety


  • Prescription drugs should be kept far out of reach of children, even if they cry, "Please, please, may I have my medicine?"
  • Some people say you should not exceed the recommended dosage on the bottle. But, come on, it's medicine–it's good for you.
  • Stay away from that Lipitor shit. It's like hosting a Filipino drag-queen knife fight in your skull.
  • If you take medication daily, a useful accessory is a seven-day pill case, which helps you keep track of your intake and serves as a depressing symbol of your mortality.
  • If the pharmacist says your prescription will take 45 minutes to an hour to fill, say "Oh, no," and fall over dead.
  • Never mix prescription painkillers with alcohol, unless you like to party really, really hard.
  • Most people don't realize how much pharmacists enjoy haggling over the price of medications.
  • To reduce the risk of mix-ups at the pharmacy, bring a bat with a nail in it.
  • Most pills should not be taken on an empty stomach. Sprinkle a handful onto a salad.
  • If your pharmacist doesn't offer to have one with you right there in the store, the shit's probably no good.
  • If you are ever in doubt about the safety of a particular medication, consult a qualified physician. He will be happy to pooh-pooh your concerns.

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