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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Prescription-Drug Safety

When taking prescription drugs, it is vital to be fully informed about proper usage. Here are some helpful hints to ensure your safety:

Prescription-Drug Safety


  • Prescription drugs should be kept far out of reach of children, even if they cry, "Please, please, may I have my medicine?"
  • Some people say you should not exceed the recommended dosage on the bottle. But, come on, it's medicine–it's good for you.
  • Stay away from that Lipitor shit. It's like hosting a Filipino drag-queen knife fight in your skull.
  • If you take medication daily, a useful accessory is a seven-day pill case, which helps you keep track of your intake and serves as a depressing symbol of your mortality.
  • If the pharmacist says your prescription will take 45 minutes to an hour to fill, say "Oh, no," and fall over dead.
  • Never mix prescription painkillers with alcohol, unless you like to party really, really hard.
  • Most people don't realize how much pharmacists enjoy haggling over the price of medications.
  • To reduce the risk of mix-ups at the pharmacy, bring a bat with a nail in it.
  • Most pills should not be taken on an empty stomach. Sprinkle a handful onto a salad.
  • If your pharmacist doesn't offer to have one with you right there in the store, the shit's probably no good.
  • If you are ever in doubt about the safety of a particular medication, consult a qualified physician. He will be happy to pooh-pooh your concerns.

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