Prescription-Drug Safety

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Prescription-Drug Safety

When taking prescription drugs, it is vital to be fully informed about proper usage. Here are some helpful hints to ensure your safety:

Prescription-Drug Safety

  • Prescription drugs should be kept far out of reach of children, even if they cry, "Please, please, may I have my medicine?"
  • Some people say you should not exceed the recommended dosage on the bottle. But, come on, it's medicine–it's good for you.
  • Stay away from that Lipitor shit. It's like hosting a Filipino drag-queen knife fight in your skull.
  • If you take medication daily, a useful accessory is a seven-day pill case, which helps you keep track of your intake and serves as a depressing symbol of your mortality.
  • If the pharmacist says your prescription will take 45 minutes to an hour to fill, say "Oh, no," and fall over dead.
  • Never mix prescription painkillers with alcohol, unless you like to party really, really hard.
  • Most people don't realize how much pharmacists enjoy haggling over the price of medications.
  • To reduce the risk of mix-ups at the pharmacy, bring a bat with a nail in it.
  • Most pills should not be taken on an empty stomach. Sprinkle a handful onto a salad.
  • If your pharmacist doesn't offer to have one with you right there in the store, the shit's probably no good.
  • If you are ever in doubt about the safety of a particular medication, consult a qualified physician. He will be happy to pooh-pooh your concerns.