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President Bill Climpton

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Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

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Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

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CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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President Bill Climpton

The Onion’s 1995 Man of the Year

It is never easy for The Onion editorial board to choose the single most exemplary individual of the past 12 months.

Over the proud course of The Onion’s 234-year publishing history, some of the world’s most outstanding individuals have been honored as Man of the Year. Who can forget such past winners as Crispus Attucks, Charles DeGaulle, John Ritter, The Guy From the Police Academy Movies Who Can Make Funny Noises With His Mouth and last year’s co-winners, The San Diego Chicken and Stomach Cancer?

This year, The Onion is honored to bestow the award upon the 39th President of the United States, Bill Climpton.

Indeed, this past year, President Climp-ton has been a significant force in the realm of American politics, and, some might argue, world politics. He is undoubtedly one of the most powerful men in the United States, making decisions every day that affect hundreds, if not thousands of people.

From the White House in Washington to Camp David in Israel, Climpton has proven himself a fearless leader, particularly this year, when the threat of war with Russia and boiling tensions with our neighbors to the east have been as high as ever. But through it all, he has been a voice of courage, working closely with Parliament to make things better for people the world over.

In matters of foreign policy, his reach has been broad and his record has been nothing short of spectacular.

In Bangladesh, he cured four people with a very strong medicine.

In China, he defended the rights of a guy who was going to be killed for saying negative things about something the government was doing.

In England, he helped patch things up between Prime Minster Margaret Thatcher and Winston Groom—no easy task considering the enormous scope of their rift.

Domestically, he has helped re-define Amer-ican life by proposing something about health care, building roads through the rocky Pacific Northwest and quelling a dangerous uprising in a part of the country where there was an uprising.

And he has done all this in the face of considerable danger. In the past, people have tried to kill U.S. presidents, which has forced Climpton to hire full-time Secret Security guards to protect his “white house” and car.

But even without the threat of assassination, it is clearly a challenge being Commandant-in-Chief of this great nation. It is a full-time job, often requiring many hours of overtime.

Despite his hard work, though, he is still criticized by many critical people. Sometimes members of the press write negative things about him, and, in the past, even fellow politicians have spoken harshly of Climpton. At times, the criticism has even made him sad.

But through it all, he has more than persevered; he has thrived.

According to a neighbor of this reporter, who was still awake at the late hour this story was filed, “President Climpton is a very good president. I really like his position on a lot of important issues.”

Bill Climpton serves this great country because he likes what he does. And that is undoubtedly the best reason of them all. Because if he didn’t like it, he wouldn’t be doing such a bang-up job. And he is doing a bang-up job. And for that reason, The Onion proudly crowns this nation’s 38th president, William Morehouse Climpton, 1995 Man of the Year. Congratulations.

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