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President Bill Climpton

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EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

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OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

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President Bill Climpton

The Onion’s 1995 Man of the Year

It is never easy for The Onion editorial board to choose the single most exemplary individual of the past 12 months.

Over the proud course of The Onion’s 234-year publishing history, some of the world’s most outstanding individuals have been honored as Man of the Year. Who can forget such past winners as Crispus Attucks, Charles DeGaulle, John Ritter, The Guy From the Police Academy Movies Who Can Make Funny Noises With His Mouth and last year’s co-winners, The San Diego Chicken and Stomach Cancer?

This year, The Onion is honored to bestow the award upon the 39th President of the United States, Bill Climpton.

Indeed, this past year, President Climp-ton has been a significant force in the realm of American politics, and, some might argue, world politics. He is undoubtedly one of the most powerful men in the United States, making decisions every day that affect hundreds, if not thousands of people.

From the White House in Washington to Camp David in Israel, Climpton has proven himself a fearless leader, particularly this year, when the threat of war with Russia and boiling tensions with our neighbors to the east have been as high as ever. But through it all, he has been a voice of courage, working closely with Parliament to make things better for people the world over.

In matters of foreign policy, his reach has been broad and his record has been nothing short of spectacular.

In Bangladesh, he cured four people with a very strong medicine.

In China, he defended the rights of a guy who was going to be killed for saying negative things about something the government was doing.

In England, he helped patch things up between Prime Minster Margaret Thatcher and Winston Groom—no easy task considering the enormous scope of their rift.

Domestically, he has helped re-define Amer-ican life by proposing something about health care, building roads through the rocky Pacific Northwest and quelling a dangerous uprising in a part of the country where there was an uprising.

And he has done all this in the face of considerable danger. In the past, people have tried to kill U.S. presidents, which has forced Climpton to hire full-time Secret Security guards to protect his “white house” and car.

But even without the threat of assassination, it is clearly a challenge being Commandant-in-Chief of this great nation. It is a full-time job, often requiring many hours of overtime.

Despite his hard work, though, he is still criticized by many critical people. Sometimes members of the press write negative things about him, and, in the past, even fellow politicians have spoken harshly of Climpton. At times, the criticism has even made him sad.

But through it all, he has more than persevered; he has thrived.

According to a neighbor of this reporter, who was still awake at the late hour this story was filed, “President Climpton is a very good president. I really like his position on a lot of important issues.”

Bill Climpton serves this great country because he likes what he does. And that is undoubtedly the best reason of them all. Because if he didn’t like it, he wouldn’t be doing such a bang-up job. And he is doing a bang-up job. And for that reason, The Onion proudly crowns this nation’s 38th president, William Morehouse Climpton, 1995 Man of the Year. Congratulations.

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