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President Bill Climpton

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CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

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Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

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HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

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SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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President Bill Climpton

The Onion’s 1995 Man of the Year

It is never easy for The Onion editorial board to choose the single most exemplary individual of the past 12 months.

Over the proud course of The Onion’s 234-year publishing history, some of the world’s most outstanding individuals have been honored as Man of the Year. Who can forget such past winners as Crispus Attucks, Charles DeGaulle, John Ritter, The Guy From the Police Academy Movies Who Can Make Funny Noises With His Mouth and last year’s co-winners, The San Diego Chicken and Stomach Cancer?

This year, The Onion is honored to bestow the award upon the 39th President of the United States, Bill Climpton.

Indeed, this past year, President Climp-ton has been a significant force in the realm of American politics, and, some might argue, world politics. He is undoubtedly one of the most powerful men in the United States, making decisions every day that affect hundreds, if not thousands of people.

From the White House in Washington to Camp David in Israel, Climpton has proven himself a fearless leader, particularly this year, when the threat of war with Russia and boiling tensions with our neighbors to the east have been as high as ever. But through it all, he has been a voice of courage, working closely with Parliament to make things better for people the world over.

In matters of foreign policy, his reach has been broad and his record has been nothing short of spectacular.

In Bangladesh, he cured four people with a very strong medicine.

In China, he defended the rights of a guy who was going to be killed for saying negative things about something the government was doing.

In England, he helped patch things up between Prime Minster Margaret Thatcher and Winston Groom—no easy task considering the enormous scope of their rift.

Domestically, he has helped re-define Amer-ican life by proposing something about health care, building roads through the rocky Pacific Northwest and quelling a dangerous uprising in a part of the country where there was an uprising.

And he has done all this in the face of considerable danger. In the past, people have tried to kill U.S. presidents, which has forced Climpton to hire full-time Secret Security guards to protect his “white house” and car.

But even without the threat of assassination, it is clearly a challenge being Commandant-in-Chief of this great nation. It is a full-time job, often requiring many hours of overtime.

Despite his hard work, though, he is still criticized by many critical people. Sometimes members of the press write negative things about him, and, in the past, even fellow politicians have spoken harshly of Climpton. At times, the criticism has even made him sad.

But through it all, he has more than persevered; he has thrived.

According to a neighbor of this reporter, who was still awake at the late hour this story was filed, “President Climpton is a very good president. I really like his position on a lot of important issues.”

Bill Climpton serves this great country because he likes what he does. And that is undoubtedly the best reason of them all. Because if he didn’t like it, he wouldn’t be doing such a bang-up job. And he is doing a bang-up job. And for that reason, The Onion proudly crowns this nation’s 38th president, William Morehouse Climpton, 1995 Man of the Year. Congratulations.

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