adBlockCheck

President Bill Climpton

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

President Bill Climpton

The Onion’s 1995 Man of the Year

It is never easy for The Onion editorial board to choose the single most exemplary individual of the past 12 months.

Over the proud course of The Onion’s 234-year publishing history, some of the world’s most outstanding individuals have been honored as Man of the Year. Who can forget such past winners as Crispus Attucks, Charles DeGaulle, John Ritter, The Guy From the Police Academy Movies Who Can Make Funny Noises With His Mouth and last year’s co-winners, The San Diego Chicken and Stomach Cancer?

This year, The Onion is honored to bestow the award upon the 39th President of the United States, Bill Climpton.

Indeed, this past year, President Climp-ton has been a significant force in the realm of American politics, and, some might argue, world politics. He is undoubtedly one of the most powerful men in the United States, making decisions every day that affect hundreds, if not thousands of people.

From the White House in Washington to Camp David in Israel, Climpton has proven himself a fearless leader, particularly this year, when the threat of war with Russia and boiling tensions with our neighbors to the east have been as high as ever. But through it all, he has been a voice of courage, working closely with Parliament to make things better for people the world over.

In matters of foreign policy, his reach has been broad and his record has been nothing short of spectacular.

In Bangladesh, he cured four people with a very strong medicine.

In China, he defended the rights of a guy who was going to be killed for saying negative things about something the government was doing.

In England, he helped patch things up between Prime Minster Margaret Thatcher and Winston Groom—no easy task considering the enormous scope of their rift.

Domestically, he has helped re-define Amer-ican life by proposing something about health care, building roads through the rocky Pacific Northwest and quelling a dangerous uprising in a part of the country where there was an uprising.

And he has done all this in the face of considerable danger. In the past, people have tried to kill U.S. presidents, which has forced Climpton to hire full-time Secret Security guards to protect his “white house” and car.

But even without the threat of assassination, it is clearly a challenge being Commandant-in-Chief of this great nation. It is a full-time job, often requiring many hours of overtime.

Despite his hard work, though, he is still criticized by many critical people. Sometimes members of the press write negative things about him, and, in the past, even fellow politicians have spoken harshly of Climpton. At times, the criticism has even made him sad.

But through it all, he has more than persevered; he has thrived.

According to a neighbor of this reporter, who was still awake at the late hour this story was filed, “President Climpton is a very good president. I really like his position on a lot of important issues.”

Bill Climpton serves this great country because he likes what he does. And that is undoubtedly the best reason of them all. Because if he didn’t like it, he wouldn’t be doing such a bang-up job. And he is doing a bang-up job. And for that reason, The Onion proudly crowns this nation’s 38th president, William Morehouse Climpton, 1995 Man of the Year. Congratulations.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close