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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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President Obama Wondering Why He Always Has To Initiate Phone Call With NCAA Champions

WASHINGTON—In the moments following Alabama's 21-0 victory in the BCS National Championship Monday, President Barack Obama asked several advisers why he always has to be the one to call the winning team’s coach. "This happens every year. The guys obviously know I want to talk to them, but still I sit here and wait around until finally I’m forced to do the dialing," Obama said before groaning and asking his secretary to find him Nick Saban’s phone number. "They are national champions. I'm president of the United States. Am I crazy to think that one of the first things they'd want to do is call me? I'd just like to know I'm on their minds for once." Despite Obama's disappointment with always having to initiate calls with national champions, he did add that he wishes the MLS champion L.A. Galaxy would stop calling him.

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