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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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President Personally Performs First Obamacare Euthanization

WASHINGTON—In a symbolic ceremony celebrating the signature legislative achievement of his administration, President Barack Obama personally euthanized terminal cancer patient Shirley Hunnicutt, 73, at George Washington Memorial Hospital Tuesday in what he promised will be the “first of many” physician-assisted suicides performed under the Affordable Care Act as promised. “Okay, that should about do it,” said the president as he injected Hunnicutt with a barbiturate followed by a heart-stopping muscle relaxant, holding the woman’s hand as she drifted toward a peaceful end. “Shirley is resting easy now, and I’m sure the American people will rest easy knowing my health care reforms will encourage thousands of ill or disabled patients just like Ms. Hunnicutt here to choose death instead of burdening our system with protracted hospice care or rehabilitation. Today was great. I enjoyed this.” Obama later confirmed to reporters that, as clearly indicated in section 1233 of his health care reform bill, he hopes to personally kill thousands of senior citizens in the next three years of his presidency.

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