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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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President Personally Performs First Obamacare Euthanization

WASHINGTON—In a symbolic ceremony celebrating the signature legislative achievement of his administration, President Barack Obama personally euthanized terminal cancer patient Shirley Hunnicutt, 73, at George Washington Memorial Hospital Tuesday in what he promised will be the “first of many” physician-assisted suicides performed under the Affordable Care Act as promised. “Okay, that should about do it,” said the president as he injected Hunnicutt with a barbiturate followed by a heart-stopping muscle relaxant, holding the woman’s hand as she drifted toward a peaceful end. “Shirley is resting easy now, and I’m sure the American people will rest easy knowing my health care reforms will encourage thousands of ill or disabled patients just like Ms. Hunnicutt here to choose death instead of burdening our system with protracted hospice care or rehabilitation. Today was great. I enjoyed this.” Obama later confirmed to reporters that, as clearly indicated in section 1233 of his health care reform bill, he hopes to personally kill thousands of senior citizens in the next three years of his presidency.

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