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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Presidential Debate To Be Accompanied By Sultry Latin Beat

SAN DIEGO—Wednesday's presidential debate will be made more exciting by the addition of a sultry Latin beat, provided by the famed Cuban salsa combo Manny Rios and the Havana Horns. The band will be seated directly between the candidates on the stage, providing a steady, conga- and maraca-driven beat throughout the debate. Bandleader Rios will also periodically interrupt the candidates with loud cries of "Aye aye aye aye aye aye!" While the candidates have complained that the beat may be a distraction, the TV networks and debate organizers insisted, explaining that the spicy Latin rhythm may be the only thing that entices viewers to watch. Said Republican candidate Bob Dole, "Bob Dole doesn't want to have to speak over the din of bongo drums when he's talking about important issues. Bob Dole is and will always be a staunch opponent of Manny Rios and the Havana Horns."

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