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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Presidential Radio Address Pledge Drive In Its Final Day

WASHINGTON—Host President Obama and special guest Ed Begley, Jr. hunkered down in the Oval Office with a phone bank full of Cabinet member volunteers Friday for the final day of the annual presidential radio address pledge drive. "We've been saying it all week, folks: The deployment of more troops to Afghanistan, the spending of billions to bail out the banks, the podcast—these things you've come to depend on from this weekly address do not pay for themselves," Obama said as he loosened his tie and sipped from a coffee mug. "It's never too late to show your commitment to the United States by donating at the hundred-million-dollar level, and as our thanks, we'll send you a stylish presidential radio address messenger bag. Remember, we get our support from listeners and incredibly wealthy taxpayers like you." A Republican-response pledge drive will reportedly kick off Monday, as the GOP tries to raise enough donations to permanently shut down NPR.

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