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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Presidential Radio Address Pledge Drive In Its Final Day

WASHINGTON—Host President Obama and special guest Ed Begley, Jr. hunkered down in the Oval Office with a phone bank full of Cabinet member volunteers Friday for the final day of the annual presidential radio address pledge drive. "We've been saying it all week, folks: The deployment of more troops to Afghanistan, the spending of billions to bail out the banks, the podcast—these things you've come to depend on from this weekly address do not pay for themselves," Obama said as he loosened his tie and sipped from a coffee mug. "It's never too late to show your commitment to the United States by donating at the hundred-million-dollar level, and as our thanks, we'll send you a stylish presidential radio address messenger bag. Remember, we get our support from listeners and incredibly wealthy taxpayers like you." A Republican-response pledge drive will reportedly kick off Monday, as the GOP tries to raise enough donations to permanently shut down NPR.

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