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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Prestigious University Touts Racial Diversity Of Dining Hall Staff

PRINCETON, NJ—During a first-year orientation event Monday, Princeton University president Shirley M. Tilghman lauded the college's racial diversity amongst its dining hall staff.

"We have employees from over 20 countries and all 16 Southern states," said Tilghman, singling out for praise Mexican-born busboy Hector Mendez, who chose Princeton's Forbes Dining Hall over dozens of other American college cafeterias. "We've deliberately fostered an environment in which our students can interact with people from completely different backgrounds."

Tilghman added that while the dining staff is the brightest beacon of campus racial diversity, the university is also proud of its math and foreign language faculties.

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