adBlockCheck

Recent News

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
End Of Section
  • More News

Prestigious University Touts Racial Diversity Of Dining Hall Staff

PRINCETON, NJ—During a first-year orientation event Monday, Princeton University president Shirley M. Tilghman lauded the college's racial diversity amongst its dining hall staff.

"We have employees from over 20 countries and all 16 Southern states," said Tilghman, singling out for praise Mexican-born busboy Hector Mendez, who chose Princeton's Forbes Dining Hall over dozens of other American college cafeterias. "We've deliberately fostered an environment in which our students can interact with people from completely different backgrounds."

Tilghman added that while the dining staff is the brightest beacon of campus racial diversity, the university is also proud of its math and foreign language faculties.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close