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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Pretty Cute Watching Boston Residents Play Daily Game Of ‘Big City’

‘It’s Fun Watching Them Hustle And Bustle Around Like They Live In A Major Metropolis,’ Nation Says

At this very moment, precious Bostonians are engaged in a game of “Big City,” pretending that they live in a significant metropolitan center.
At this very moment, precious Bostonians are engaged in a game of “Big City,” pretending that they live in a significant metropolitan center.

BOSTON—Boston residents once again hustled and bustled their way into the nation’s hearts this week as they continued playing their adorable little game of “Big City,” a live-action role-playing adventure in which Bostonians buzz about their daily routines in a delightful hubbub of excitement as if they lived in a major American metropolis.

Inhabitants of real cities across the nation smiled in affectionate amusement as Bostonians put on their big-city clothes, swiped their Charlie cards for a ride on one of the MBTA’s trolley-like subway cars—charmingly called the “T”—and rushed downtown for “important” business meetings at the John Hancock Building, the South Boston Innovation District, and other pretend centers of global industry and commerce.

“You have to admit, seeing them scurrying around in the morning for their big day in the city—it’s pretty cute,” New York resident Michael Goodman said as the Bay State busybodies emulated life in a large epicenter of American culture and politics. “When they look down at their watches and start hurrying down the street like they’re headed to some of sort of huge, important meeting, it’s hard not to smile. I mean, they look like they really think they are doing something significant.”

“My favorite part is when those little guys and gals head out to bars on the weekend like they’re experiencing real nightlife!” he added. “Gets me every time.”

According to enchanted onlookers who live in actual metropolitan areas, Boston residents are particularly endearing when they get all dressed up for a night at the theater; eat a big, fancy dinner at the Prudential Center’s top-floor restaurant; and read The Boston Globe, whose reporters get to play a game of Big-City Journalist each and every day.

In addition, eyewitnesses are reportedly delighted when Bostonians set off on one of their charming adventures to shop along the trendy Newbury Street, which allows residents to sip cappuccinos and pretend to be chic urbanites for the day.

Sources went on to call the city’s darling nickname, “The Hub,” a great, hilarious touch, as though Boston were an actual locus of anything vital whatsoever.

“I like it when they really get into their roles as residents of an actual city and complain about traffic and subways not coming on time,” Chicago native James Camden said. “Oh, and when the local news anchors talk about Boston politics like it’s really important, as if the goings-on in Boston could possibly have some sort of national implication even though nobody outside of Boston even cares? It’s so much fun to watch that I can only imagine how much fun it is to actually play.”

“I mean, we play Big City here in Chicago, too,” he continued, “But we’re nowhere near as good at it as the people in Boston.”

Along with the usual game of Big City, many Bostonians reportedly play side games, such as Mr. Important Advertising Man, Big-City Lawyer, Major Metropolitan Police Officer, Professional Artist, and Super-Sophisticated Student.

“It’s really cool going to school in the city,” said adorable Boston College sophomore Erica Hoyt, who not only gets to play Big City with her fellow classmates, but also with her visiting parents, who pretend that Boston is making their daughter much more independent and well-rounded. “There’s just so much going on and so much culture here.”

“I’m glad I decided to leave my hometown and come to a city as big as Boston,” she added, playing her role in the game perfectly.

Sources confirmed that while they think its adorable watching Boston residents excitedly attend their little music shows at the Paradise Rock Club and express their devotion to city-wide landmarks like an old oil company sign that lights up at night, their favorite part of Big City is when Bostonians wear their undying allegiance to the fake metropolis on their collective sleeve.

“I saw a guy wearing a Boston hat, and it was so cute,” Los Angeles resident Eva Anderson told reporters. “All that hometown pride for a place so small and inconsequential? It melts my heart.”

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

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