After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
End Of Section
  • More News

Pretty Decent 13th Birthday Party Taking Place At Week 3 Preseason Game

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Excitedly watching the exhibition game in the half-empty stadium, local 13-year-old Josh McNeil reportedly had an overall pretty decent birthday party Saturday night at a Week 3 preseason NFL game between the New York Giants and the New York Jets. “I’ve never been to a game, and my dad said I could only take two of my friends, so Jeremy and Michael came with us, and we actually got to sit in one of the middle levels,” said McNeil, adding that after moving down a few rows to a set of unoccupied seats, his father purchased the boys and McNeil’s two sisters several baskets of chicken fingers to split as they watched the brief first-quarter appearances of Giants quarterback Eli Manning and wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. “It was still cool watching a game in person even if it didn’t count for anything. We had to leave during the third quarter because it was getting late and Jeremy had soccer practice in the morning. It was, you was fun.” Sources confirmed that McNeil’s party was almost as good as his birthday two years ago when he and several friends attended an MLS game at Red Bull Arena.

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.