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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Pretty Obvious Which Sibling Going To Have To Deal With All The Nursing Home Stuff

LANSING, MI—Agreeing that really only one of them was suited to the task, if they’re being honest here, the adult children of local couple Ron and Lydia Barnes stated Monday that it was pretty clear which sibling would be handling all the nursing home stuff. “When the day comes, Sarah is obviously the one who will explain to Mom and Dad that it’s time for them to pack up and move into a retirement facility,” said Andy Barnes, 35, referring to his older sister, whom he identified as the one who calls the most often and has “even driven them to the rheumatologist once or twice.” “It’s a Sarah thing, for sure. She can handle those things easily enough: finding the right place, signing them up, dropping them off, stopping by regularly, making sure the bill gets paid on time. I actually think she’d kind of like doing it.” Sources confirmed that Ron and Lydia are hoping for Sarah as well, since the prospect of depending on one of their other children for care “absolutely terrifies [them].”

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