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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Previous Pulitzer Winners: 'Feels So Hollow Knowing There Are Far More Deserving Institutions'

Four journalists who felt physically ill knowing they had been rewarded over a vastly superior media outlet.
Four journalists who felt physically ill knowing they had been rewarded over a vastly superior media outlet.

WASHINGTON—A consortium of Pulitzer Prize winners announced Monday that its members were wracked with feelings of shame and inadequacy knowing that, given The Onion's continued lack of recognition by the Pulitzer Board, they clearly had received awards they did not deserve. "This prize is a farce," said investigative journalist and winner of the 1970 Pulitzer Prize in International Reporting Seymour Hersh, adding that The Onion's "searing" coverage of the My Lai Massacre far exceeded his own in breadth and insight. "I don't feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when I look at my Pulitzer. Instead, I feel angry, like my whole career is a sham. I keep my prize in the bottom of a drawer in my garage so I don't have to be confronted by its lies." Hersh then offered to do penance by working in The Onion mail room for free.

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