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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Previous Pulitzer Winners: 'Feels So Hollow Knowing There Are Far More Deserving Institutions'

Four journalists who felt physically ill knowing they had been rewarded over a vastly superior media outlet.
Four journalists who felt physically ill knowing they had been rewarded over a vastly superior media outlet.

WASHINGTON—A consortium of Pulitzer Prize winners announced Monday that its members were wracked with feelings of shame and inadequacy knowing that, given The Onion's continued lack of recognition by the Pulitzer Board, they clearly had received awards they did not deserve. "This prize is a farce," said investigative journalist and winner of the 1970 Pulitzer Prize in International Reporting Seymour Hersh, adding that The Onion's "searing" coverage of the My Lai Massacre far exceeded his own in breadth and insight. "I don't feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when I look at my Pulitzer. Instead, I feel angry, like my whole career is a sham. I keep my prize in the bottom of a drawer in my garage so I don't have to be confronted by its lies." Hersh then offered to do penance by working in The Onion mail room for free.

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