adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Previous Tenant Clearly Not Bothered By Mildew

YPSILANTI, MI—According to new tenant Patricia Croland, the previous occupant of Apt. 12C at 208 Hill Street was clearly not the least bit bothered by mildew. "Wow," said Croland, who moved into the apartment Monday. "Somebody out there obviously doesn't have a problem with thick layers of white fungus." Among other things that apparently did not disturb the previous tenant: large black stains on carpets, painted-shut windows, pubic hairs on doorknobs, and overpowering rotting-bologna stenches in refrigerators.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close