adBlockCheck

Price-Gun-Wielding Maniac Riddles Supermarket With Savings

Top Headlines

Local

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Price-Gun-Wielding Maniac Riddles Supermarket With Savings

MIDDLETOWN, OH—Shock, dismay and fabulous money-saving opportunities were just part of the aftermath of a tragic mass-discounting Monday, when a price-gun-wielding maniac opened fire on the canned-goods aisle of a local supermarket.

A store security camera captured the gunman as he worked his way down the canned-goods aisle, ruthlessly discounting items by as much as 40 percent.

Though shot and seriously injured by in-store security personnel while escaping, the unidentified man, who police and grocery authorities describe as "armed and dangerous," remains at large as of press time.

Inflicting discount savings of an estimated 30 to 40 percent on a variety of delicious food items throughout the store, the man held a stand-up display of Hormel Chili products hostage at gunpoint for 30 harrowing minutes before opening fire.

The rampage of markdowns, which occurred at the Food Lion at Cobb Road and Highland Avenue in Middletown, caused an estimated "$22,000 in savings, product rebates and great three-for-two deals, valid until 10 p.m. Friday," a visibly shaken Food Lion spokesperson told reporters.

"There was nothing anybody could do," said second-shift produce manager Fred Gwaines, who witnessed the incident. "We had no choice but to stand there and watch as our profit margin dropped right in front of us. I mean, I saw a 12-ounce jar of Mott's-brand applesauce get marked down to $1.19 right before my eyes. How could a person do something like that?"

Though it is not known how the man came into possession of the price gun or managed to get it inside the store, law-enforcement and grocery-industry authorities believe he may have at one time received stocking and pricing training at a major supermarket chain, most likely as a short-term probationary employee or trainee.

"This was a sophisticated price gun, with dual spring-loaded sticker-tape loops and twin five-digit display settings," Food Lion store manager Hank Schwepp said. "People don't just walk in off the street with a price gun like that. What's more, he knew how to use it. This guy's seen his share of instructional training videos, that's for sure."

Witnesses said the man discounted hundreds of food items, as well as products for use in and around the home, before store security guards made the decision to return fire. Shot twice in the left calf and once in the right shoulder, the wounded gunman nevertheless continued to furiously discount food items without remorse before fleeing into the frozen-food aisle, eluding pursuers.

"It's a decision no guard ever wants to make," security officer Bill Nissen said. "But when I saw that deranged madman heading toward the frozen-food aisle, I knew it was either the Hungry Man salisbury-steak dinner entrees or him. There was never any question."

"For a person to take that many bullets and keep going, it's almost superhuman," Schwepp said. "We're talking about a perpetrator who is pathologically devoted to huge savings on quality food items for a limited time only. Our grocery pathologists and retail forensic psychiatrists indicate that he likely has a long history of smart shopping and coupon use, and was probably exposed to budget-conscious family shopping as a child. Savings rule his life."

Food Lion officials are strongly urging all shoppers to keep a close watch on upcoming "Clip 'n' Save" newspaper inserts for information about when and where the price-gun-wielding man may strike next, letting loose another barrage of low, low prices.

"Somewhere out there, this maniac is still free," assistant store manager Ted Conn said. "There's no telling how much ammunition he has remaining or how far he is willing to go in his mad pursuit of greater and greater savings at all Food Lion locations throughout the greater Middletown area. He's obviously highly resourceful, intelligent and single-minded about discounts. All consumers can do is watch, wait and pray. And stop by your neighborhood Food Lion, where we have no choice but to pass these inhuman, tragic savings on to you."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close