Price Is Right Demands Pullout Of U.S. Forces

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Vol 30 Issue 10

Second-Grader Expelled From Sex Farm

WINSLOW, OK—Controversy erupted Monday at an area sex farm/white slavery compound when second-grader Tim Hildemen was expelled for refusing to felch a llama. "This kind of inhibited behavior is totally inappropriate for our sex farm," sex farm commandant Henry Prathers said. The felching incident was to be part of a group-sex video produced by the compound leaders. Hildemen, 7, will be blindfolded, then driven in the sex-farm van to an undisclosed locale and pushed out. Summing up the reaction of an outraged community, mother Ellen Mayes said: "What kind of message does Tim's behavior send to other kids?"

Verb To Follow Noun; Prepositional Phrase To Follow

NEW YORK—A verb is slated to follow a noun in an area sentence this week, with a prepositional phrase expected to follow by sentence end. President Clinton, a proper noun, praised the sentence, saying, "I am proud to commend this basic achievement in sentence construction." There was no comment from the sentence, as it did not contain quotation marks at press time.

White To Attend Boat Show

BALTIMORE—A white is expected to attend the 11th Annual World Boating Expo here next week. "I'll be looking at some of the speedboats," the white said, "but I don't think I can afford one this year." The white, Jerry Strickler, 51, a Baltimore-area orthodontist, is slated to arrive at the boat show some time early Saturday and depart later in the day. It is believed he will wear slacks and a tie. "I'm excited to have this white come to the show," said Bob Elderbrecht, a boat show organizer. "It will be easy to spot him, since he is a white."

Presidential Debate To Be Accompanied By Sultry Latin Beat

SAN DIEGO—Wednesday's presidential debate will be made more exciting by the addition of a sultry Latin beat, provided by the famed Cuban salsa combo Manny Rios and the Havana Horns. The band will be seated directly between the candidates on the stage, providing a steady, conga- and maraca-driven beat throughout the debate. Bandleader Rios will also periodically interrupt the candidates with loud cries of "Aye aye aye aye aye aye!" While the candidates have complained that the beat may be a distraction, the TV networks and debate organizers insisted, explaining that the spicy Latin rhythm may be the only thing that entices viewers to watch. Said Republican candidate Bob Dole, "Bob Dole doesn't want to have to speak over the din of bongo drums when he's talking about important issues. Bob Dole is and will always be a staunch opponent of Manny Rios and the Havana Horns."

Angels Among Us?

A recent poll revealed that 63 percent of Americans believe in the existence of angels. What do you think?

Teens Get Drunk On Award-Winning Microbrew

EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ—The subtle interplay of the three varietal hops in MacTadcaster's Nut Brown Stout went tragically unappreciated Saturday when a group of high-school students got shitfaced on a case of the award-winning microbrew.

NAACP Says Enough Done To Promote Racial Equality

WASHINGTON, DC—Kweisi Mfume, executive director of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, told reporters at a press conference yesterday that the NAACP would disband effective immediately, as a more-than-satisfactory amount of effort has been made to promote racial equality.

Fat-Free Frenzy

Despite Health warnings, Americans are gobbling up fat-free products like never before. Why are we so hungry for them?
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Late Night

Price Is Right Demands Pullout Of U.S. Forces

BURBANK, CA—Mark Goodson, executive producer of CBS's The Price Is Right, has delivered an ultimatum to President Clinton: Withdraw all occupying U.S. forces from the game show or face "a war to make the continent weep."

<I>The Price Is Right</I>'s Bob Barker and Rod Roddy (above) are standing firm in the face of 4,000 U.S. soldiers and 60 tanks currently occupying the show's Burbank studio facility. Said Roddy: "I never asked these troops to come on down."

The occupation, which began last spring in response to reports of treaty violations and human rights abuses on the part of the popular, long-running game show, has been building to a standoff for months.

The U.S. is demanding an unconditional surrender on the part of The Price Is Right, including the full dismantling of the Range Game and the relinquishing of an undisclosed number of cans of Johnson's Turtle Wax.

In an address last night to the American people, President Clinton said, "I have made every attempt to prevent a military confrontation and will continue to do so. But if the fabulous 60-minute Price Is Right will not stand before a U.N. tribunal for the crimes of which they are accused, we cannot and will not acquiesce."

Promised Clinton, "America is strong and her forces stand ready. This will not be another Tic Tac Dough."

Goodson was vehement in his refusal to cooperate. "Television's most exciting hour of fun and prizes will not be cowed by the demands of heretics," he said in a statement broadcast to U.S. markets via CBS affiliates. "President Clinton, you have until the second Showcase Showdown to remove all U.S. troops from our studio and the surrounding lot or we shall no longer be responsible for their fate. God have mercy on you all."

The Price is Right, in which contestants win cash and prizes for estimating the prices of retail goods, has taken a considerably more somber turn in recent months. In the show's opening moments, flashing light bulbs border the screen as the audience is shown trembling in their seats and attempting not to make eye contact with the armed CBS pages who patrol the studio aisles.

When contestants' names are read by the show's announcer, Rod Roddy, many faint or begin praying. Those who remain lucid walk quietly but visibly shaken to Contestant's Row, though one will occasionally attempt to subdue a guard and escape. Three contestants have been shot attempting this.

Protests like this one in Portland, OR, have been occurring throughout the nation in response to the U.S.'s prolonged occupation of <I>The Price is Right</I>.

A rescue attempt last month failed when a company of U.S. Marines infiltrated the audience and fired a rocket launcher at the set. Host Bob Barker and model Holly Robinson took shelter behind the Plinko board; two other Barker's Beauties died in the skirmish.

Said Barker: "The next item up for bid is... death!"

The game show's military strength does not appear to have the Pentagon worried. U.S. Intelligence indicates its entire army has been cobbled together from merchandise intended as prizes. While impressive grenades have been jury-rigged from cans of Pam cooking spray, the show's most powerful land assault vehicle is a 1997 Cadillac de Ville equipped with 10-ounce bottles of Spray 'n' Wash and several dozen boxes of Hot Pockets.

American citizens are concerned about the prospect of war with a highly rated TV game show. "Nothing is worth spilling the blood of young Americans," said Chicago-area investment banker Todd Gerhardt. "Not even a Broyhill Herculon living room ensemble with matching Panasonic entertainment center." Antiwar demonstrators have staked out the Capitol building bearing placards reading "No Blood For Fabulous Prize Showcases."

Former President Jimmy Carter is being briefed by State Department officials in the hope that he can facilitate diplomatic relations to end the standoff. Carter's actions were instrumental in defusing the 151-day Hollywood Squares hostage crisis in 1979 and securing the release of celebrity panelist Paul Lynde.

AP contributed to this story.

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