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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Price Of Gas Rises To Four Expletives Per Gallon

HOUSTON—Gasoline prices rose to a record-high four expletives per gallon Monday, a rate of fuel-price-related cursing not seen since the 1979 energy crisis sparked a nationwide obscenity boom. "Two years ago it seemed impossible that a gallon of gasoline would go as high as goddamn-shit-ass-balls," said commodities trader Philip Roan, adding that refined petroleum is up nearly 100 percent from cock-fuck last March. "Considering the unrest in the Middle East and growing global energy demands, fuel prices may well reach dick-ass-Christ-fuck-hell in as little as six months." The unprecedented jump in swearing rates has reportedly prompted an increase in the number of Americans riding motherfucking bicycles.

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