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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Prima Donna Species Just Has To Have Every Part Of Natural Habitat Intact

WASHINGTON—Noting how fussy the endangered amphibian becomes whenever it encounters irreversible damage to its ecosystem, World Wildlife Fund officials confirmed Monday that the prima donna California tiger salamander just has to have every last part of its natural habitat intact. “The California tiger salamander acts like the biggest goddamn drama queen whenever its environment isn’t exactly the way it likes it or if it loses adequate breeding sites,” said WWF president Yolanda Kakabadse, noting that if the habitat wasn’t completely pristine and just a few acres were lost to deforestation, the temperamental amphibian would simply give up like a melodramatic crybaby. “And God forbid if the finicky royal majesty’s oh-so-precious water source happens to be contaminated with pesticides. Christ, everything always has to be perfect for this spoiled diva. It can’t be too hot or too cold. And its normal prey can’t go extinct, because it’s such a picky eater. For fuck’s sake, get over yourself.” At press time, sources confirmed the dainty salamander was allowing its population to be decimated by one measly nonnative species of bullfrog predators.

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