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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Prima Donna Species Just Has To Have Every Part Of Natural Habitat Intact

WASHINGTON—Noting how fussy the endangered amphibian becomes whenever it encounters irreversible damage to its ecosystem, World Wildlife Fund officials confirmed Monday that the prima donna California tiger salamander just has to have every last part of its natural habitat intact. “The California tiger salamander acts like the biggest goddamn drama queen whenever its environment isn’t exactly the way it likes it or if it loses adequate breeding sites,” said WWF president Yolanda Kakabadse, noting that if the habitat wasn’t completely pristine and just a few acres were lost to deforestation, the temperamental amphibian would simply give up like a melodramatic crybaby. “And God forbid if the finicky royal majesty’s oh-so-precious water source happens to be contaminated with pesticides. Christ, everything always has to be perfect for this spoiled diva. It can’t be too hot or too cold. And its normal prey can’t go extinct, because it’s such a picky eater. For fuck’s sake, get over yourself.” At press time, sources confirmed the dainty salamander was allowing its population to be decimated by one measly nonnative species of bullfrog predators.

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