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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Prima Donna Species Just Has To Have Every Part Of Natural Habitat Intact

WASHINGTON—Noting how fussy the endangered amphibian becomes whenever it encounters irreversible damage to its ecosystem, World Wildlife Fund officials confirmed Monday that the prima donna California tiger salamander just has to have every last part of its natural habitat intact. “The California tiger salamander acts like the biggest goddamn drama queen whenever its environment isn’t exactly the way it likes it or if it loses adequate breeding sites,” said WWF president Yolanda Kakabadse, noting that if the habitat wasn’t completely pristine and just a few acres were lost to deforestation, the temperamental amphibian would simply give up like a melodramatic crybaby. “And God forbid if the finicky royal majesty’s oh-so-precious water source happens to be contaminated with pesticides. Christ, everything always has to be perfect for this spoiled diva. It can’t be too hot or too cold. And its normal prey can’t go extinct, because it’s such a picky eater. For fuck’s sake, get over yourself.” At press time, sources confirmed the dainty salamander was allowing its population to be decimated by one measly nonnative species of bullfrog predators.

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