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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Prima Donna Surgeon Storms Out Of Half-Full Operating Theater

BALTIMORE—Midway through Friday night's quadruple-bypass procedure at the Johns Hopkins Hospital, the celebrated but moody cardiac surgeon Dr. Stuart Reinhorn threw down his laser scalpel in apparent disgust at the size of his audience and declared the poorly attended artery-grafting to be over. "What is this, Lambert County General?" said Reinhorn, who stopped the surgery after a delicate suturing maneuver failed to elicit a rousing response from those in the observation gallery. "I'm giving the performance of my life, yet I'm treated like some first-year resident sawing off limbs at a community medical center." After Reinhorn locked himself in the scrub room and refused to come out, undersurgeon Dr. Ken Wilcox, who most recently performed in a Cedars-Sinai appendectomy, attempted a revival of the patient that eventually reduced his audience to tears.

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