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Primary Masturbation Materials Relocated To Safer Area

SALEM, IN—The primary masturbation materials of Salem Middle School eighth-grader Jeremy Royce were relocated to a new, safer area in his room following a close call Monday.

The constantly shifting location of Jeremy Royce's secret masturbation materials, as tracked over the past 18 months.

The contraband materials, which include a 1982 "Sex In Cinema" issue of Playboy featuring onetime Hugh Hefner companion Barbi Benton; a coverless copy of Gent found near the railroad tracks; and a black-and-white photo of ninth-grader Susie Sherwood in a cross-country track uniform from the Salem Middle School yearbook, were transferred from the back of Royce's sock drawer to an area above a panel in his bedroom's ceiling as a result of Monday's incident.

According to reports, at approximately 3 p.m., Royce, 14, returned home from school to find his four-year-old sister Brianna not only in his room—a place, he said, she "is not allowed to play in"—but actually using the sock drawer in question as an improvised play-boat for her Caribbean Cruise Barbie. Upon discovering his sister playing in and around the drawer, Royce promptly drove her from the room and relocated the masturbation materials.

Secondary masturbation materials, such as Kleenex, moisturizing lotion and other various household materials, "have no need to be hidden" at this time, said Royce, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Royce said that Monday's incident ended a 10-month sock-drawer residency for the pornographic materials.

"Last October, I decided the sock drawer would serve my concealment purposes best, after noting that the contact paper at the drawer's base had become somewhat non-adhesive, allowing the magazines and other paraphernalia to be safely hidden underneath, even if all the socks in the drawer were to be removed," Royce said. "I don't think my sister found the crucial flap that provided access to the secret hiding spot, but, as I'm sure you can understand, the incident gave me enough of a scare to move the materials."

With the sock drawer no longer a viable storage area, Royce has moved the masturbation materials to what he hailed as "the most foolproof, secret storage spot yet": the inside of a panel in his bedroom's drop ceiling-style insulation.

"Nobody ever looks inside the ceiling—ever," Royce said. "And even though the ceiling's support struts are designed only to hold the weight of the light foam panels of the ceiling proper, I have tested them extensively and they are more than capable of handling the additional weight of the pornography."

Jeremy Royce

Given the current state of masturbation-material safety, Royce is confident he will be able to maintain plausible masturbation deniability well into his college years. Furthermore, the presence of 36 ceiling tiles in his bedroom means virtually unlimited future storage space for additional masturbation-related materials, creating greater-than-ever opportunities for accumulation of pornography, should the need for such expansion arise.

Monday's close call represents the third near-discovery of masturbation-related paraphernalia in the Royce household since March 1996, prompting the second relocation in Royce's 18-month masturbation history.

The materials were relocated to the sock drawer on October 12, 1996, following an incident involving his mother, Elaine.

"Originally, I had the items hidden under my mattress, on the side of the bed facing the wall. It was a good spot: The magazines were pushed far enough back into the space between mattresses that they wouldn't likely be found, even in a crisis situation," Royce said. "But then one day, my mom changed my sheets while I was at school. Even though I don't think she saw the magazines, I immediately decided it would be best to move them, not wanting to tempt fate."

Royce's father, Edward, the original owner of several of the magazines before their discovery last summer by the younger Royce in the woodshed, expressed approval for his son's new plan.

"The ceiling thing sounds like it should work out fine, from how you describe it," Royce, a public-works superintendent for the nearby town of Plovis, told reporters. "I'm just glad Jeremy got that stuff out of the sock drawer before his little sister found it. If she'd pulled those magazines out and brought them to us, asking what they were, well, she's only four, and Jeremy and me both would have caught holy hell from his mother."

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