Primary Masturbation Materials Relocated To Safer Area

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Vol 32 Issue 05

U.S. Defense Secretary: 'I Am In Love'

WASHINGTON, DC—In a report delivered to top Defense Department officials Monday, U.S. Defense Secretary William Cohen announced that he is in love and feels more alive than he has ever felt in his life. "You would not believe this woman. You have to meet her," the 415-page report reads. "She is the one. The one." Cohen was recently censured by the Clinton Administration for spending a majority of his workdays writing "Lois Burkowski Cohen" on his desk and notepads, and spinning around humming while walking. This is believed to be the most smitten a Clinton Cabinet member has been since May 1994, when Health and Human Services Secretary Donna Shalala started going steady with Volcano star Anne Heche.

Study: Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

BOSTON—A new study released in the New England Journal Of Medacine STOP Un-Medacine Medicine Medicine GO revealed that Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders, once thought to stem from neurochemicl STOP Un-neurochemicl neurochemical neurochemical GO deficiencies, may actually occur from a genetic predisposition STOP Un-occur from a genetic predisposition occur due to a genetic predisposition occur due to a genetic predisposition GO. "We have meticulously researched and organized volumes of material confirming this new theory," said team head Dr. Joseph Panos of Tufts University, addressing reporters from a perfectly symmetrical podium/ STOP. Un-/ ... END.

Zoning Committee Meets, Zones A Bunch Of Shit

NORCROSS, GA—The Norcross City Council zoning committee is celebrating what it described as a "monster" zoning session Monday. "Man, we were zoning shit left and right. You wouldn't believe the shit we zoned," Norcross mayor Ben Richards told reporters after the four-hour meeting. "Aw, man," said city ombudsman Dennis Mozell, "we so totally zoned the shit out of the 2800 block of Jefferson Avenue. We're talking no commercial use—residential only. We were zonin'."

NPR Host Raises Voice

WASHINGTON, DC—All Things Considered host Robert Siegel shocked listeners during Monday's broadcast, speaking in an unusually loud voice. "Wow," said Siegel during a phone interview with author Annette Conroy, who had just made a point about the popularity of Scottish folk music in the Chicago area. "We quickly intervened and were able to restore order to the program before chaos took over," said show producer Linda Gross. "Robert is dealing with the incident and will likely return to the show next week."

Ask A Navy SEAL

Lt. Ryan Cusper is a combat-decorated Navy SEAL and nationally syndicated advice columnist. His weekly column, Ask A Navy SEAL, appears in 250 newspapers nationwide.

Tina Yothers Fantasy Camp Files For Bankruptcy

HIBBING, MN—After three years of heavy financial losses, the Tina Yothers Fantasy Camp finally filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Friday. The camp—which allowed Yothers fans to fulfill their dreams by performing scenes from Family Ties, dressing up like an actual L.A. Laker Girl and socializing with former Yothers co-stars like Michael Gross—got off to a shaky start in 1995, when only one customer paid $800 to attend the two-week camp. "We are deeply disappointed by the public’s lukewarm reaction to the camp," director Edward Boros said. "Frankly, it's baffling." The camp's owners are hoping to recoup their losses with a series of Esther Rolle-themed luxury cruises.

Anti-Bacterial Tips

With new anti-bacterial products hitting the stores every day, millions of Americans are waging a war on germs. Here are some ways you can reduce your risk of exposure to dangerous bacteria:
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Primary Masturbation Materials Relocated To Safer Area

SALEM, IN—The primary masturbation materials of Salem Middle School eighth-grader Jeremy Royce were relocated to a new, safer area in his room following a close call Monday.

The constantly shifting location of Jeremy Royce's secret masturbation materials, as tracked over the past 18 months.

The contraband materials, which include a 1982 "Sex In Cinema" issue of Playboy featuring onetime Hugh Hefner companion Barbi Benton; a coverless copy of Gent found near the railroad tracks; and a black-and-white photo of ninth-grader Susie Sherwood in a cross-country track uniform from the Salem Middle School yearbook, were transferred from the back of Royce's sock drawer to an area above a panel in his bedroom's ceiling as a result of Monday's incident.

According to reports, at approximately 3 p.m., Royce, 14, returned home from school to find his four-year-old sister Brianna not only in his room—a place, he said, she "is not allowed to play in"—but actually using the sock drawer in question as an improvised play-boat for her Caribbean Cruise Barbie. Upon discovering his sister playing in and around the drawer, Royce promptly drove her from the room and relocated the masturbation materials.

Secondary masturbation materials, such as Kleenex, moisturizing lotion and other various household materials, "have no need to be hidden" at this time, said Royce, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Royce said that Monday's incident ended a 10-month sock-drawer residency for the pornographic materials.

"Last October, I decided the sock drawer would serve my concealment purposes best, after noting that the contact paper at the drawer's base had become somewhat non-adhesive, allowing the magazines and other paraphernalia to be safely hidden underneath, even if all the socks in the drawer were to be removed," Royce said. "I don't think my sister found the crucial flap that provided access to the secret hiding spot, but, as I'm sure you can understand, the incident gave me enough of a scare to move the materials."

With the sock drawer no longer a viable storage area, Royce has moved the masturbation materials to what he hailed as "the most foolproof, secret storage spot yet": the inside of a panel in his bedroom's drop ceiling-style insulation.

"Nobody ever looks inside the ceiling—ever," Royce said. "And even though the ceiling's support struts are designed only to hold the weight of the light foam panels of the ceiling proper, I have tested them extensively and they are more than capable of handling the additional weight of the pornography."

Jeremy Royce

Given the current state of masturbation-material safety, Royce is confident he will be able to maintain plausible masturbation deniability well into his college years. Furthermore, the presence of 36 ceiling tiles in his bedroom means virtually unlimited future storage space for additional masturbation-related materials, creating greater-than-ever opportunities for accumulation of pornography, should the need for such expansion arise.

Monday's close call represents the third near-discovery of masturbation-related paraphernalia in the Royce household since March 1996, prompting the second relocation in Royce's 18-month masturbation history.

The materials were relocated to the sock drawer on October 12, 1996, following an incident involving his mother, Elaine.

"Originally, I had the items hidden under my mattress, on the side of the bed facing the wall. It was a good spot: The magazines were pushed far enough back into the space between mattresses that they wouldn't likely be found, even in a crisis situation," Royce said. "But then one day, my mom changed my sheets while I was at school. Even though I don't think she saw the magazines, I immediately decided it would be best to move them, not wanting to tempt fate."

Royce's father, Edward, the original owner of several of the magazines before their discovery last summer by the younger Royce in the woodshed, expressed approval for his son's new plan.

"The ceiling thing sounds like it should work out fine, from how you describe it," Royce, a public-works superintendent for the nearby town of Plovis, told reporters. "I'm just glad Jeremy got that stuff out of the sock drawer before his little sister found it. If she'd pulled those magazines out and brought them to us, asking what they were, well, she's only four, and Jeremy and me both would have caught holy hell from his mother."

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