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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Prime Minister Of Norway Gets Laid

OSLO, NORWAY—Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg got laid on Friday, according to a spokesperson for the Norwegian government. "I am able to confirm that the prime minister did indeed have sex last night, and that he was very pleased to have done so," communication officer Tor Aagaard Borgersen told reporters Saturday during a routine briefing of the Oslo press corps. "Following a meeting with cabinet members on long-term strategies for navigating the eurozone crisis, Mr. Stoltenberg returned home, where, a short time later, he had sex with a woman." Reports from high-ranking officials indicated that after getting laid, the prime minister rested comfortably in his bathrobe and read a book while the woman with whom he had intercourse took a shower.

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