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Prince Charles Thinks Boys Are Finally Old Enough To Hear What Happened To Their Mother

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Prince Charles Thinks Boys Are Finally Old Enough To Hear What Happened To Their Mother

LONDON—Feeling that his sons were finally mature enough to handle the truth, Prince Charles reportedly decided Thursday to tell Princes William and Harry what really happened to their mother, the late Princess Diana. “Boys, gather around, there’s something important you need to hear,” said His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales, 63, taking a deep breath before explaining to his sons that their mother had in fact died in a car crash in 1997. “I know this may come as a shock, but I think you two are old enough now to know the real story. You should also know that I’ve remarried.” Observers of the Royal Family expect Charles to wait another 15 years before letting Prince William know how many young women the queen vetted before ordering Kate Middleton to marry him.

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