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Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard

Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking ...

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Prince Fielder Dominates Home Run–Eating Contest

NEW YORK—The MLB All-Star festivities ended on a high note Monday as Detroit Tigers first baseman Prince Fielder wowed fans with his dominant performance in the league’s annual Home Run–Eating Contest. “I saw the hunger in his eyes when he stepped up to the plate, but I never imagined he’d be able to eat that many dingers in one sitting,” said SportsCenter anchor Chris Berman, noting Fielder’s grueling regimen, which culminated in the consumption of 40 singles and 30 doubles on Sunday, followed by a 24-hour fasting period leading up to the event. “He really looked like he was about to burst after the tenth or eleventh double-decker, so to see him power through the pain and shatter his own record of 35 round trippers in 50 minutes was that much more impressive.” Fielder’s current pace of four-baggers ingested during the regular season has led to speculation that he might be the first MLB player to eat 800 home runs.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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