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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Prince Fielder Dominates Home Run–Eating Contest

NEW YORK—The MLB All-Star festivities ended on a high note Monday as Detroit Tigers first baseman Prince Fielder wowed fans with his dominant performance in the league’s annual Home Run–Eating Contest. “I saw the hunger in his eyes when he stepped up to the plate, but I never imagined he’d be able to eat that many dingers in one sitting,” said SportsCenter anchor Chris Berman, noting Fielder’s grueling regimen, which culminated in the consumption of 40 singles and 30 doubles on Sunday, followed by a 24-hour fasting period leading up to the event. “He really looked like he was about to burst after the tenth or eleventh double-decker, so to see him power through the pain and shatter his own record of 35 round trippers in 50 minutes was that much more impressive.” Fielder’s current pace of four-baggers ingested during the regular season has led to speculation that he might be the first MLB player to eat 800 home runs.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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