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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Prince Fielder Urges Rookie To Choke Up On Burrito

DETROIT—Tigers first baseman Prince Fielder reportedly shared years of veteran experience Wednesday by urging rookie pitcher to Drew Smyly to choke up on his burrito, claiming it would vastly improve his control and ability to make contact with the mouth. "First off, move in closer so you're directly over the plate and bend over more at the waist," said Fielder, who told Smyly to put his hands up higher on the burrito to make it shorter, lighter, and easier to swing around quickly. "You can loosen up your grip. You don't need to kill it. You just want to move it smoothly so you can find the gap. Actually, give me that burrito. That one's way too big for you. I like a huge barrel. I have them custom made for me, because I'm more of a power eater." Fielder also showed the first-year player how to prevent the burrito from slipping out of his hands by coating the tortilla in pine tar.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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