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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Prince Harry Humiliates Royal Family Yet Again As Base Invaded By Afghan Insurgents

LONDON—Prince Harry of Wales caused yet another headache for the royal family this week as reports surfaced that the military base in Afghanistan where the wayward young royal was stationed had been invaded by Taliban insurgents. “Oh, dear, dear Harry—when will he finally grow up?” said a member of the royal family, who declined to be named. “Frankly, we thought he had left this wild phase of his life behind him, but it is obvious that he still has a lot of maturing to do.” At press time, sources confirmed that two U.S. Marines had been killed in the embarrassing fiasco.

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