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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Prince William Fells Prince Willem-Alexander Of The Netherlands In Crucial Joust

CHELTENHAM, ENGLAND—In a resounding display of horsemanship, lancemanship, and puissance that marked both his first major tournament success and a great victory on the international stage for the British crown, the gallant English Prince William did mightily unseat Prince Willem- Alexander of the Netherlands in combat at the Cheltenham Jousts this Sunday week.

The valiant Prince William triumphant in victory.

The prince, his aspect as always noble and his armour brightly agleam, did strike his gentleman-foe the Prince of Orange with a single shivering blow to the very center of his greatshield, all glory be to God, ensuring, as well, a victory in global currency exchange.

"Alack! I am bested, and fall heavy to the ground, and must therefore renegotiate the terms of special exchange between our nations when managing debts that predate conversion to the new EU standard," quoth Willem-Alexander as he tumbled from his steed, acknowledging his opponent the better man and meeting his fate with honour. "In sooth, a rate of 1.75 euros to the pound is more than fair, with interest compounding from the date of this match forward, so mighty is the stroke that undoes me."

Magnanimous in victory, as befits the heir to the Throne of All England, Prince William did forsake the cries of bloodlust from the lower galleries, granting the Dutch prince the boon of his life and demanding in return only a 4.5 percent increase in durable-goods tariffs on imports from the Netherlands and her subject nations.

"Hear me, O Britain!" exclaimed His Royal Highness, whose voice was heard to peal forth from the lists as thunder from great mountain-height, ringing in every corner of that green and pleasant land, as well as on BBC Two and internationally on ESPN, garnering a nod of approval from the Queen, who gazed on regally from the royal box. "This man hath proven himself worthy of our mercy. For to fall in joust before the Crown Prince of England—the very herald of God on Earth—is no shame; nor would I call foeman any prince who hath the strength to acknowledge Jesus as his Saviour and to hold inflation to a stunningly low 1.3 percent. Therefore I spare his life, and call my noble cousin mere cousin no more, but brother, in hopes our fair nations may find brotherhood indeed."

And 'spite a fortnight full of tragic news that wicked Fate had split the comely pair, the noble Prince William did grant a victory nosegay to his former love, the beauteous Kate Middleton, who with wet and melancholy eye did the prince's gaze avoid, as befits a commoner.

"Hail to the crown prince of our fair isles, hail!" said Herald-Royal Anthony the Blair, Grand Vizier of the Realm, Prime Minister of All Britain, and Officiary of the Games, upon presenting Prince William with the Cheltenham Tournament Virgin Atlantic Trophy. "For he has made the doughty enemy void his saddle, and hight him upon his very fud; and many a rude and glorious tale shall be of this day's deeds retold."

"Such feats of brawn and bravery have we scarce beheld since Prince's father, Charles of Wales, did ride forth in errantry, and did in single combat meet, and unhorsing humiliate, sundry knights of the Falkland Islands," added Blair with a hearty heavenward thrust of his gauntled fist.

Upon being relieved of his helm, breastplate, and greaves by his trusty squires the Minister of State for Trade and Her Majesty's Ambassador to the Netherlands, the prince did declare a feast day and order the roasting of a fatted ox. The beast was shared out in equal parts among all freedmen in attendance, and small beer and brown ale was given forth in full fair measure. A fine and merry bawd did last until the rising of Tuesday's sun brought forth the cock's cry, heralding once again a round of bold and robust trading on the London Stock Exchange, so well delighted and put at ease by the day's events Albion's investors were.

Also late from the Netherlands came grave tidings that Prince Willem-Alexander hath suffered wounds diverse and mortal, and that he ails sick abed i'the Amsterdam Medical Center, where doctors are struggling with all their art against profuse hemmorhaging cerebral and abdominal.

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