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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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Prison Warden Vows To Take Away El Chapo’s Tunnel Privileges If Captured

ALMOLOYA DE JUAREZ, MEXICO—Following the drug kingpin’s recent escape from the maximum security facility, Arturo Terrazas, warden of the Altiplano prison in central Mexico, vowed Monday to take away Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman’s tunnel privileges if he is captured. “Here at Altiplano, prisoners must earn their access to any of our mile-long electrically lit and ventilated subterranean passageways, and I can assure you that Mr. Guzman will be forfeiting this right once he is taken into custody and reincarcerated,” Terrazas told reporters, adding that Guzman will also be expressly prohibited from renting out any power tools or dollies from the prison workshop as part of the additional punitive measures he will face if he is apprehended. “Mr. Guzman will need to establish a long track record of good behavior before we even consider reinstating his daily visits to the tunnel system that connects the prison grounds with various homes surrounding the complex. Of course, even then we will restrict him to 60-minute sessions conducted after the rest of our resident population has finished using the underground corridors themselves.” Terrazas concluded that, while Guzman must be disciplined, he believes it would be inhumane to also deprive the cartel leader of his ventilation duct hours.


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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

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