adBlockCheck

International

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Prison Warden Vows To Take Away El Chapo’s Tunnel Privileges If Captured

ALMOLOYA DE JUAREZ, MEXICO—Following the drug kingpin’s recent escape from the maximum security facility, Arturo Terrazas, warden of the Altiplano prison in central Mexico, vowed Monday to take away Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman’s tunnel privileges if he is captured. “Here at Altiplano, prisoners must earn their access to any of our mile-long electrically lit and ventilated subterranean passageways, and I can assure you that Mr. Guzman will be forfeiting this right once he is taken into custody and reincarcerated,” Terrazas told reporters, adding that Guzman will also be expressly prohibited from renting out any power tools or dollies from the prison workshop as part of the additional punitive measures he will face if he is apprehended. “Mr. Guzman will need to establish a long track record of good behavior before we even consider reinstating his daily visits to the tunnel system that connects the prison grounds with various homes surrounding the complex. Of course, even then we will restrict him to 60-minute sessions conducted after the rest of our resident population has finished using the underground corridors themselves.” Terrazas concluded that, while Guzman must be disciplined, he believes it would be inhumane to also deprive the cartel leader of his ventilation duct hours.


More from this section

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close