Prisoner Claims Cell Block D Was Much Cooler Two Years Ago

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Vol 39 Issue 31

News Anchor Wonders Where All These Great Stories Come From

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Midway through a story about new evidence in an unsolved area homicide, KTVX news anchor John Reesen wondered aloud where all the great stories come from. "Yet another gripping investigative report, right here on KTVX," said Reesen, during Tuesday's News At Ten. "Wow. Who comes up with this news?" Reesen posed a similar question to weatherman Gary Yount, wondering who could possibly know all that science stuff.

Republicans Introduce Economic Equality Bill For Fun Of Shooting It Down

WASHINGTON, DC—Republicans in the House of Representatives proposed H.R. 2093: the Economic Equality Initiative, with the express purpose of shooting it down "just for kicks" Tuesday. "H.R. 2093 will level the economic playing field, spreading the wealth among the rich and poor," said Majority Whip Tom DeLay (R-TX), visibly fighting back snickers. "We must pass this bill to stop the fat cats from getting fatter while the average Joe struggles to make ends meet. Also, I'm the Queen of Bavaria." Following 10 minutes of uproarious laughter, the congressmen stepped out of the chamber to smoke cigars lit with a bill that would allocate $115 million to clean up hazardous waste sites.

Avid Fisherman Forever Ruins Fishing For Son

MANKATO, MN—Thanks to his nitpicking, impatience, and insistence on absolute silence in the boat, avid angler Don Gillespie, 41, forever ruined fishing for his 10-year-old son Douglas Tuesday. "No, no, no—you're casting all wrong," said a visibly seething Gillespie after Douglas' line landed a mere three feet from the stern of the rowboat. "Forget it! Just let me do it, and I'll hand you the rod afterward." Douglas was further put off fishing when his father threw back the only fish the boy caught all day because it was not big enough.

Last Great Party Of Life To Result In First Child

LAKE CHARLES, LA—Unbeknownst to him, 27-year-old Ron DuPree attended the last great party of his life Saturday, as a 3 a.m. coupling with girlfriend Tamara Harris will result in a child nine months from now. "That was the best party ever," DuPree said to friends on Monday, oblivious to the seed of life now growing in his soon-to-be-wife's womb. "I was so wasted! God, Tamara and I have to start getting out on the weekends again." In addition to enjoying his last great party, DuPree will also soon bid farewell to liquor, cigarettes, and most of his current friendships.

Hussein Family Can't Bear To Throw Out Uday's Favorite Nutsack Shocker

AWJA, IRAQ—Relatives, sorting through boxes at Uday Hussein's home Tuesday, couldn't bear to discard one of the deceased tyrant's favorite torture devices. "Oh, how Uday loved his electric nutsack shocker," said Uday's uncle Karim Suleiman al-Majid, as he sifted through a box of clamps, cables, saws, and 8-volt batteries. "And here's that trusty little knife he would use to dig eyeballs out of their sockets." Al-Majid said he is sure that Uday would have wanted his favorite cousin Nawaf to have the roll of flensing wire.

This Job Isn't Nearly As Exciting As The DeVry Institute Led Me To Believe

When I was 18 or so, I used to watch Ricki Lake on Channel 9 every afternoon. During the commercial breaks, I always saw ads for the DeVry Institute Of Technology. One ad featured a group of mostly male students eagerly crowded around a single computer in a fluorescent-lit classroom, on the fast track to earning their degrees. Another ad showed a recent DeVry graduate striding into a windowless block of an office building like he had the world by the tail. Everyone looked ready to dive into a high-paying career, and I wanted that for myself. I was hypnotized by the fast-growing field of technology. But now, 12 years later, I'm stuck in a job that's not nearly as exciting as the one the DeVry commercials led me to expect.
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Prisoner Claims Cell Block D Was Much Cooler Two Years Ago

JOLIET, IL—Citing an increase in "leg humpers and peter-gazing diddlers," Joliet Corrections Center inmate Joseph J. Romans told reporters Monday that Cell Block D is not as cool as it used to be.

Romans in his cell on the now-lame Joliet Corrections Center Block D.

"When I first went down, D was straight," said Romans, who is serving an eight-year sentence at Joliet for armed robbery. "Minute I walked in, I knew it was a good stop. I don't know what happened."

Romans said that 2001, his first year in D Block, was his best year in prison.

"D used to have the toughest guys, pruno [homemade alcohol], and pearl handles [commercially manufactured cigarettes], and with my connections-man Willie G on block, we had Cadillac everything," Romans said. "I almost felt like I was in the world with my crew again. Now, all we got left is a bunch of punk-ass june bugs with nothing coming. I don't even know what name half these young kids go by."

New prisoners are often impressed by the severity of the facility, but Romans said it pales in comparison to that of the old Cell Block D.

"These bitches and dumb-ass crackheads come in all wide-eyed, losing their shit over how we got the corners worked," Romans said. "Well, what they don't know is that the old D used to have the straightest crew in [Joliet]. We weren't thugs. We did our own time. But if you crossed one of us, you got a pumpkin head. Everyone knew that and gave us our respect."

A pumpkin head is the injury that commonly results when a pillowcase is filled with heavy objects and used to beat an enemy's face until badly bruised.

"Yeah, things have gone to hell," Romans said. "These fools will sodomize a guy with a pipe for no good reason. Too young to know standards of conduct."

According to Romans, Cell Block D's reputation has been hurt by a number of unsuccessful escape attempts by some of the newer inmates.

"See, if you rabbit and get away, you become a legend," Romans said. "If not, you get your ass beat by the hacks and put in the hole. The guys in the old D would never pull the half-ass stunts they pull here now. Well, 'Smokey' Hudson tried to make a break a few years ago, but he wasn't really solid with the D crew to begin with."

Recent behavior by the newer members of Cell Block D has resulted in punishment for all the inmates, said Romans.

"The last few weeks, the D's been in lockdown for some ignorant stunt," Romans said. "Somebody tried to make pruno in a bag, tie it up, and put it in the toilet. Shit, that's the first place they gonna look."

Continued Romans: "I'm sick of taking heat for these kids. From here on in, I'm doing my own time. When I get called up [to the parole board], I'm walking up packed, bo-bos tied. D is dead."

New inmate Nathan Gold has an entirely different attitude toward Cell Block D.

"The D is dope and everyone knows it," said Gold, a convicted arsonist. "Even the hogs know if you're from D, you ain't to be fucked with. I can't imagine doing my bit in that punk-ass Cell Block A."

Other inmates questioned Romans' credibility. Thirty-year inmate Jerome Hughes said his fellow prisoner is a "cell gangster," someone who boasts in his cell but never amid the general prison population.

"Romans is a bitch," Hughes said. "If he didn't have Big Norman looking out for him, he wouldn't have lasted his first year. Yeah, people get out of line, but Romans doesn't do the correcting, tell you that much."

Continued Hughes: "I don't know why he's knocking his gums. Cell Block D's been a sandbox for 10, 15 years. Hasn't been the same since Stabbin' Jackie Kayne went on 10-10 furlough in '85. Yeah, '83 and '84. Those were the days."

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