After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
End Of Section
  • More News

Pro Bass Fisherman Explains Life To Son Through Complicated Bass-Fishing Metaphors

NUBTUCK, GA—In his efforts to teach his son important life lessons, tournament bass fisherman Kyle Traverts usually reverts to complex bass-fishing metaphors, sources close to the family reported Tuesday. "You know, Kevin, sometimes you think you've got it all set up perfectly—reel drag set right, boat positioned just so for staging in 8-to-12 feet of water, line clean and fresh, good crank-jig with nice sharp hooks, and you still wind up with your reel spooled and your line broken," Traverts told his 10-year-old son during an after-dinner father-son talk about school bullies Tuesday night. "Just remember, son, when all's said and done, you're scored on the total weight in the livewell, not on the biggest single largemouth." Although Kevin Traverts thanked his father afterwards, he intends to come to his mother for advice on girls when he gets old enough.

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.