Pro Football Hall Of Fame Removes Aaron Hernandez’s Gun

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Vol 49 Issue 29

Royal Baby Born

LONDON—After months of anticipation, representatives for the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton confirmed today that the royal baby has finally made its way into the world.

Martha Sarahns

Martha Sarahns, 78, passed away Saturday night surrounded by her closest friends, family, and this random dude who looked completely lost.

Not-That-Important Employee Snatches Best Donut In Box

FORT WAYNE, IN—Employees at Sapphire Business Solutions expressed their collective outrage Friday at the brazen conduct of sales associate Isaac Schuler, a largely unimportant staffer who’s only been with the company for maybe a month and who ...

Detroit Files For Bankruptcy

Detroit became the largest municipality in U.S. history to seek bankruptcy protection yesterday, which will likely force the city to slash government employment, sell assets, and further pare back municipal services.
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Pro Football Hall Of Fame Removes Aaron Hernandez’s Gun

CANTON, OH—Following dozens of visitor complaints, officials at the Pro Football Hall of Fame announced Thursday that they have elected to take down an exhibit featuring a firearm owned by former New England Patriots tight end and current murder suspect Aaron Hernandez. “While we initially felt that this unique piece represents an important chapter in NFL history, the objections from our patrons have been enough to warrant its removal,” said museum spokesman Joe Horrigan, referring to the Glock .45-caliber pistol that had until this week been prominently displayed alongside a partially emptied 13-round clip recovered from Hernandez’s home. “Though this exhibit provides an interesting look into the lives of one of the game’s most dynamic young talents, we have since been advised that it is in poor taste, and has even made some of our visitors uncomfortable. And for that, we apologize.” Horrigan told reporters that the Hall currently has no plans to modify or remove any of its other popular football memorabilia displays, including O.J. Simpson’s black leather gloves, a variety of choke chains once owned by Michael Vick, and the exhumed corpse of Junior Seau.

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