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Proactive Man Removes Own Teeth In Attempt To Curb Nail-Biting Habit

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PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Proactive Man Removes Own Teeth In Attempt To Curb Nail-Biting Habit

WESTFORD, MA—Seeking to gain control over his unhealthy compulsion to bite his fingernails, decisive and forward-thinking local man Jeremy McCarthy informed reporters Wednesday that he had proactively confronted the problem by removing each one of his teeth with a pair of pliers. “Nail-biting is a very unpleasant habit and one I’ve been dealing with for years, so I finally just sat down and determined that if I honestly wanted to better myself, I needed to face up to the situation, grab the heavy-duty slip-joint pliers from my toolbox, and start yanking,” the 33-year-old sales consultant said confidently through his bloodied and newly toothless mouth. “Taking charge of a problem is always the hardest part. Once that was done, it was easy enough to just open wide and wrench those teeth out one by one, from my molars on forward. It only took a couple minutes, and I genuinely couldn’t be happier with the results.” The resolute man added that he also planned to cut off each of his fingertips with a handsaw “just to be sure” he would not succumb to any lingering nail-biting temptations.


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