Proactive Man Removes Own Teeth In Attempt To Curb Nail-Biting Habit

Top Headlines

Recent News

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Family

Proactive Man Removes Own Teeth In Attempt To Curb Nail-Biting Habit

WESTFORD, MA—Seeking to gain control over his unhealthy compulsion to bite his fingernails, decisive and forward-thinking local man Jeremy McCarthy informed reporters Wednesday that he had proactively confronted the problem by removing each one of his teeth with a pair of pliers. “Nail-biting is a very unpleasant habit and one I’ve been dealing with for years, so I finally just sat down and determined that if I honestly wanted to better myself, I needed to face up to the situation, grab the heavy-duty slip-joint pliers from my toolbox, and start yanking,” the 33-year-old sales consultant said confidently through his bloodied and newly toothless mouth. “Taking charge of a problem is always the hardest part. Once that was done, it was easy enough to just open wide and wrench those teeth out one by one, from my molars on forward. It only took a couple minutes, and I genuinely couldn’t be happier with the results.” The resolute man added that he also planned to cut off each of his fingertips with a handsaw “just to be sure” he would not succumb to any lingering nail-biting temptations.


Check out Comedy Central's new series, 'Review Thursdays' at 10/9c where EVERYTHING is up for review.