Proactive Man Removes Own Teeth In Attempt To Curb Nail-Biting Habit

Top Headlines

Recent News

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Proactive Man Removes Own Teeth In Attempt To Curb Nail-Biting Habit

WESTFORD, MA—Seeking to gain control over his unhealthy compulsion to bite his fingernails, decisive and forward-thinking local man Jeremy McCarthy informed reporters Wednesday that he had proactively confronted the problem by removing each one of his teeth with a pair of pliers. “Nail-biting is a very unpleasant habit and one I’ve been dealing with for years, so I finally just sat down and determined that if I honestly wanted to better myself, I needed to face up to the situation, grab the heavy-duty slip-joint pliers from my toolbox, and start yanking,” the 33-year-old sales consultant said confidently through his bloodied and newly toothless mouth. “Taking charge of a problem is always the hardest part. Once that was done, it was easy enough to just open wide and wrench those teeth out one by one, from my molars on forward. It only took a couple minutes, and I genuinely couldn’t be happier with the results.” The resolute man added that he also planned to cut off each of his fingertips with a handsaw “just to be sure” he would not succumb to any lingering nail-biting temptations.

Check out Comedy Central's new series, 'Review Thursdays' at 10/9c where EVERYTHING is up for review.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close