adBlockCheck

Recent News

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
End Of Section
  • More News

Procrastinating Attorney Just Reuses Opening Statement from Last Trial

ALBANY, NY—After staying up until 2 a.m. without once glancing at the notes for his upcoming trial, procrastinating defense attorney Stephen Crawford reportedly just decided to reuse, word-for-word, the opening statement from his previous trial, sources confirmed Friday. “Ladies and gentlemen, the fresh-faced teenage boy you see before you never intended to drive his car into the median on July 3,” Crawford told the court before gesturing to his client, a 45-year-old bearded man who was recently arrested for aggravated assault and cocaine possession. “My client is an upstanding citizen destined for college, a man raised by a hardworking family of immigrants, and, above all, a fellow American who deserves an acquittal.” At press time, Crawford’s client was unemployed, Caucasian, and named Peter Redmond.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close