Procrastinating Attorney Just Reuses Opening Statement from Last Trial

In This Section

Content From 2014-02-03

Girl Scouts Introduce Gluten-Free Cookies

In an effort to better accommodate those with gluten intolerance, a number of Girl Scout troops around the country will sell a gluten-free version of their chocolate chip shortbread cookie.

Huskies Unstoppable During Cold-Weather Puppy Bowl

NEW YORK—Overcoming frigid temperatures and biting winds, a team of husky puppies overpowered and trounced the opposition Sunday during Puppy Bowl X, the first ever cold-weather Puppy Bowl. As temperatures dropped into the low twenties, puppies atte...

Seahawks vs. Broncos

The Seahawks battle the Broncos in a game that players will be treating like the Super Bowl. Onion Sports examines what each team must do to win.

Rutgers University Offers Course On Beyoncé

Rutgers University in New Jersey will offer a course titled “Politicizing Beyoncé” as part of its Department of Women’s and Gender Studies, which will focus on the pop singer’s career as a means of studying gender, race, and...

Report: Today The Day They Find Out You’re A Fraud

WASHINGTON—While experts agree you’ve been remarkably successful so far at keeping up the ruse that you’re a capable, worthwhile individual, a new report out this week indicates that today is the day they finally figure out you’re ...

Earl Thomas

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Richard Sherman

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Marshawn Lynch

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Russell Wilson

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Pete Carroll

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Terrance Knighton

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Champ Bailey

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 

Wes Welker

Onion Sports breaks down the 10 most captivating athletes going into Super Bowl XLVIII. 
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Late Night

Procrastinating Attorney Just Reuses Opening Statement from Last Trial

ALBANY, NY—After staying up until 2 a.m. without once glancing at the notes for his upcoming trial, procrastinating defense attorney Stephen Crawford reportedly just decided to reuse, word-for-word, the opening statement from his previous trial, sources confirmed Friday. “Ladies and gentlemen, the fresh-faced teenage boy you see before you never intended to drive his car into the median on July 3,” Crawford told the court before gesturing to his client, a 45-year-old bearded man who was recently arrested for aggravated assault and cocaine possession. “My client is an upstanding citizen destined for college, a man raised by a hardworking family of immigrants, and, above all, a fellow American who deserves an acquittal.” At press time, Crawford’s client was unemployed, Caucasian, and named Peter Redmond.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More