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A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.
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Procrastinating Attorney Just Reuses Opening Statement from Last Trial

ALBANY, NY—After staying up until 2 a.m. without once glancing at the notes for his upcoming trial, procrastinating defense attorney Stephen Crawford reportedly just decided to reuse, word-for-word, the opening statement from his previous trial, sources confirmed Friday. “Ladies and gentlemen, the fresh-faced teenage boy you see before you never intended to drive his car into the median on July 3,” Crawford told the court before gesturing to his client, a 45-year-old bearded man who was recently arrested for aggravated assault and cocaine possession. “My client is an upstanding citizen destined for college, a man raised by a hardworking family of immigrants, and, above all, a fellow American who deserves an acquittal.” At press time, Crawford’s client was unemployed, Caucasian, and named Peter Redmond.

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