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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Procrastinating Attorney Just Reuses Opening Statement from Last Trial

ALBANY, NY—After staying up until 2 a.m. without once glancing at the notes for his upcoming trial, procrastinating defense attorney Stephen Crawford reportedly just decided to reuse, word-for-word, the opening statement from his previous trial, sources confirmed Friday. “Ladies and gentlemen, the fresh-faced teenage boy you see before you never intended to drive his car into the median on July 3,” Crawford told the court before gesturing to his client, a 45-year-old bearded man who was recently arrested for aggravated assault and cocaine possession. “My client is an upstanding citizen destined for college, a man raised by a hardworking family of immigrants, and, above all, a fellow American who deserves an acquittal.” At press time, Crawford’s client was unemployed, Caucasian, and named Peter Redmond.

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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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