Procrastinating Surgeon Putting Off Coronary Bypass By Cleaning Entire Hospital

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Vol 49 Issue 02

Adrian Peterson Re-Tears ACL In Preparation For 2013 Season

MINNEAPOLIS—Hoping to improve upon the remarkable feat of rushing for the second most yards in NFL history a year after tearing his ACL in the final week of 2011, Vikings running back Adrian Peterson announced Sunday that he has intentionally torn h...

I-95 Diagnosed With Highway Cancer

NEW HAVEN, CT—Road oncologists at Yale-New Haven Hospital held a press conference Tuesday to announce that Interstate 95, the main conduit running along the country’s Eastern Seaboard, had begun treatment for stage III highway cancer, an advan...

Noogies Around The World

National Geographic 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST It turns out that some countries don’t even call them noogies; they call them something else in their own language.

Nation Can’t Wait To Wake Up And Start Eating Again

LINCOLN, NE—All across the nation Friday, U.S. residents turning in for the night said they were eager to fall asleep, as they simply could not wait to wake up the following morning and once more have the opportunity to consume food.

Packers vs. Niners

The Packers battle the 49ers in the NFC divisional playoff game for a rematch of every single time these two teams have met.

Denzel Washington

Even though he probably won’t win Best Actor, Denzel Washington is planning to attend the Oscars all the same.
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Personal Finance

Procrastinating Surgeon Putting Off Coronary Bypass By Cleaning Entire Hospital

NEW YORK—Sources at Columbia University Medical Center reported Sunday that cardiac surgeon Dr. Robert Klinge, 44, was putting off an impending coronary bypass procedure by cleaning the entire hospital. “I know that guy’s arteries are a mess, but so are the linens in the pediatric ward,” Klinge said following a morning of procrastination in which he had vacuumed the ER, taken out the hospital’s recycling, and sorted multiple trays of scalpels, adjusting the implements carefully until they were lined up perfectly parallel. “If I don’t clean this stuff now, I’ll spend the whole surgery focusing on how the floor could use mopping and the cafeteria windows need to be washed. Besides, I can always get up really early tomorrow and do the bypass then.” At press time, Klinge was reportedly applying a fresh coat of paint to the hospital’s loading dock and did not hear the intercom call indicating a “code blue” in the cardiac wing.

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