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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Procrastinating Surgeon Putting Off Coronary Bypass By Cleaning Entire Hospital

NEW YORK—Sources at Columbia University Medical Center reported Sunday that cardiac surgeon Dr. Robert Klinge, 44, was putting off an impending coronary bypass procedure by cleaning the entire hospital. “I know that guy’s arteries are a mess, but so are the linens in the pediatric ward,” Klinge said following a morning of procrastination in which he had vacuumed the ER, taken out the hospital’s recycling, and sorted multiple trays of scalpels, adjusting the implements carefully until they were lined up perfectly parallel. “If I don’t clean this stuff now, I’ll spend the whole surgery focusing on how the floor could use mopping and the cafeteria windows need to be washed. Besides, I can always get up really early tomorrow and do the bypass then.” At press time, Klinge was reportedly applying a fresh coat of paint to the hospital’s loading dock and did not hear the intercom call indicating a “code blue” in the cardiac wing.

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