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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Procrastinating Surgeon Putting Off Coronary Bypass By Cleaning Entire Hospital

NEW YORK—Sources at Columbia University Medical Center reported Sunday that cardiac surgeon Dr. Robert Klinge, 44, was putting off an impending coronary bypass procedure by cleaning the entire hospital. “I know that guy’s arteries are a mess, but so are the linens in the pediatric ward,” Klinge said following a morning of procrastination in which he had vacuumed the ER, taken out the hospital’s recycling, and sorted multiple trays of scalpels, adjusting the implements carefully until they were lined up perfectly parallel. “If I don’t clean this stuff now, I’ll spend the whole surgery focusing on how the floor could use mopping and the cafeteria windows need to be washed. Besides, I can always get up really early tomorrow and do the bypass then.” At press time, Klinge was reportedly applying a fresh coat of paint to the hospital’s loading dock and did not hear the intercom call indicating a “code blue” in the cardiac wing.

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