Product Placement Mars Otherwise Exciting Super Bowl

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Vol 41 Issue 06

Darling, I Will Give You The Moon And The Stars vs. Giving Me The Moon And Stars Would Have Disastrous Effects On Our Galaxy

Dearest Sally, I can no longer hide what I've been feeling since the day you borrowed my pen at Kampus Koffee. If I don't let my emotions out, I'll burst with the sheer intensity of longing to be by your side. All day, every day, I think of nothing but you. I would follow you to the ends of the earth, to the bottom of the deepest sea, or live with you at the top of the highest mountain. You are everything to me, and without you, I am just an insignificant speck in an uncaring universe. Say you'll be mine, and I'll give you the clouds, the sun, the rain, the sky—I will give you the whole world.

'Get TiVo' Friend's Solution To Everything

SANTA MONICA, CA—According to waiter and aspiring writer Ian Shortridge, his friend Dan Stavers has only one piece of advice: "Get TiVo." "You could program a Season Pass so that you never miss the business report," Stavers said, after Shortridge complained that he couldn't get a mortgage. "I'm telling you, TiVo will change your life. Hey, I was right about the iPod, wasn't I?" Since purchasing a digital-video recorder in 2002, Stavers has urged Shortridge to buy one so he can "spend more time writing instead of sitting through all those commercials," "tape some fitness shows and find out how to get in shape," and "catch some funny movies" to help him get over his father's death.

Awkward Tension Mistaken For Sexual Tension

WATERTOWN, MA—Joel Dashner, 34, interpreted acquaintance Lori Rezala's nervous shifting, awkward giggling, and inability to make eye contact at a mutual friend's dinner party as a sign of mounting sexual heat, Dashner said Monday. "I really hit it off with Lori," Dashner said. "We were both too jittery to really say much, but I could feel the spark between us. I'm sure neither of us will forget that magic moment when we bumped hands and spilled each other's drinks." Rezala later told reporters that Dashner "ruined one of her favorite sweaters and stared at [her] all night like he was some kind of crazy person."

Bush Defends Deny-Side Economics

WASHINGTON, DC—Fielding questions from reporters at a Tuesday press conference, President Bush defended his adherence to the principles of deny-side economics. "Nope," the president said. "I keep hearing people say that the U.S. economy is troubled, but that isn't true. Our economy is strong. We just have to keep on doing what we're doing, and everything will work out." Leading economists say they are curious to see whether the president's optimism will trickle down into the public consciousness.

Census Bureau: 9,000 To 15,000 People Work At Census Bureau

WASHINGTON, DC—According to 2004 figures released by the U.S. Census Bureau, between 9,000 and 15,000 people work at the Census Bureau. "It is difficult to obtain an accurate figure on Census Bureau employees, because workers frequently move from department to department," U.S. Census director Charles Kincannon said. "Also, many supervisors failed to return the mail-in forms that asked them to list how many employees they have." Kincannon warned all census-bureau employees to take the census-bureau census more seriously, under penalty of law.

The In-Flight Cell-Phone Ban

The FCC is currently reviewing its ban on the use of cell phones during flights, but many passengers say they like the restriction. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Product Placement Mars Otherwise Exciting Super Bowl

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Although NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue declared the Super Bowl XXXIX experiment with in-game product placement a success, fans and players expressed mixed feelings about the championship game Monday.

McNabb attempts to go long with a two-liter bottle of refreshing Pepsi in the third quarter.

"Don't get me wrong—this year's Super Bowl was an exciting face-off," said Philadelphia Eagles head coach Andy Reid, whose team was defeated 24-21 in a hard-fought contest. "The Patriots only got 331 yards on our defense, mostly because it took us a while to adjust to tackling players doused in Axe Deodorant Bodyspray For Men. But you can be sure they felt the heat of our Ford Motor Company sponsored Lincoln Mark LT blitzes. Our nose tackle drove this season's hottest new luxury truck straight into their offensive line."

In spite of complaints from football fans, Super Bowl XXXIX was a tremendous financial success, with an estimated audience of 2 billion worldwide and a sponsorship revenue exceeding $820 million.

Advertisers as diverse as H&R Block, Verizon, and FTD paid top dollar to have their products and logos used or represented during game play.

"It was great for the team to earn a couple million when we lined up and used the Anheuser-Busch logo as our scrimmage formation," said Eagles safety Brian Dawkins. "Unfortunately, that logo is really elaborate, so we got flagged for having 40 men on the field."

Dawkins was hampered by penalties and flagged once for failing to dial 1-800-COLLECT.

Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, who completed 30 of 51 passes for 357 yards, three touchdowns, and three interceptions, said he would have performed even better if it weren't for the wind and the difficulties he experienced throwing the two-liter Pepsi bottle, the oversized Viagra tablet, and the 13 other objects that served as balls during the game.

"This is great for the league, but I'm not sure it's the best thing in the world for the players," McNabb said. "The anxiety made me throw to [wide receiver Todd] Pinkston a half-second before he turned and looked back for the ball—I mean, looked for the can of Campbell's new Chunky Chili. If I hadn't felt so much pressure to please the advertisers, I wouldn't have hit him in the forehead with that pass. I also believe that, if he'd been wearing a traditional helmet instead of a KFC bucket, he wouldn't be in the hospital right now."

Dawkins (left) and Eagles defensive lineman Corey Simon praised the "smooth handling" of the Lincoln Mark LT they used to chase down Dillon in the second quarter.

The play in question earned McNabb and Pinkston $65,000 each.

Patriots running back Corey Dillon said it took some time to adjust to the new game rules.

"You expect to get hit, and you expect the game to be played hard," Dillon said. "But you don't expect the quarterback to call a lead-toss right off-tackle play and then hand off a damn 50-pound Kyocera Mita combination copier/printer/fax machine."

In spite of the unusual circumstances, Dillon went free with a 45-yard run, breaking four tackles and making clean, crisp prints all the while, in an open-field romp that office-machine manufacturers are calling the play of the century.

"One thing's certain," Dillon said. "Kyocera office products go the distance."

Patriots wideout Deion Branch, Super Bowl XXXIX's Most Valuable Player, was instrumental to the Patriots victory, catching The Pepsi Spirit, The Great New Feeling Of The Great City Of Jacksonville, and 11 passes for 133 yards.

NFL marketing chief Phil Guarascio admitted that on-field product-placement is in its early stages.

"The league is sensitive to complaints from fans who say advertising should not affect play," Guarascio said. "That's why we've urged Kyocera to develop lighter copiers."

"And we're still hearing things, good and bad, from the professional-sports community," Guarascio continued. "The NFL Player's Association has made several good points about a few ill-considered product placements that may have led to player injuries. Nonetheless, we think product placement will make the NFL a more exciting and profitable venture for players and marketers alike."

According to doctors, Patriots linebacker Teddy Bruschi is still listed in critical condition after recovering a fumble in the Kingsford Charcoal Red Hot End Zone.

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