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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Production Of 'Iceman Cometh' Canceled Due To Entire Cast Getting Called Back For Axe Body Spray Commercial

LOS ANGELES—An upcoming production of Eugene O'Neill's 1946 drama The Iceman Cometh, a complex meditation on the futility of the American Dream, was canceled Tuesday when every single cast member was called back for an Axe body spray commercial. "The character of Hickey is one of the finest-written roles in American drama, but Axe called and you can't pass that up," said actor Evan Weiss, who studied at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, has always wanted to play the lead in The Iceman Cometh, and has the perfect physique for the 30-second Axe spot. "This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity." The commercial's casting call for its "Lick 'Em If You Got 'Em" edible body spray campaign also dis-rupted work at multiple restaurants and theme parks, and has halted production on Mandy Patinkin's current one-man show, Mandy.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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