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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Professional Basketball Team Interested In Trade For Professional Basketball's Carmelo Anthony

NEW YORK—Citing his excellence in shooting, passing, dribbling, and jumping, a professional basketball team in the National Basketball Association announced its interest Tuesday in acquiring the services of professional basketball player Carmelo Anthony for the 2010-2011 season. "Carmelo Anthony simply makes a high percentage of his basketball shots, which puts him in the top tier of the 450 basketball players currently filling salaried positions in the league," a general manager of a professional basketball team told reporters. "We would be willing to trade two or even three of our professional basketball players in order to place Carmelo Anthony in our employ, for which we would in turn pay him a large sum of money." The general manager added that while Anthony is a very good professional basketball player, he would of course rather have signed professional basketball player LeBron James.

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