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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Professional Racing Drivers In 2-Ton Cars Terrified By Droplets Of Water

CONCORD, NC—A paralyzing fear of precipitation kept dozens of highly skilled competition drivers, all of them trained to drive roll-cage equipped cars mere inches from one another at speeds exceeding 200 miles per hour for extended periods of time, from finishing the Coca-Cola 600 Monday. "I'm overjoyed to win the race, but I'm even more relieved that I didn't have to face the worst horror known to the professional racer: falling moisture," said David Reutimann, who was declared the winner when officials pronounced the track "horrifyingly damp" after only 227 laps and halted NASCAR's longest race. "Every race driver, except for maybe the guys in Formula One, and the Le Mans drivers, the Rolex Series, and rally drivers, I guess, and those guys in amateur racing...anyway, every single racing driver knows that if you drive in the rain you will automatically crash. No one in NASCAR wants to see crashes." Reutimann then thanked his sponsors and rushed off to hide in his motor home until the sun came out.

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