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Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

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SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

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BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

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Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

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WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Professor To Publish Book

“It will have pages,” Say Sources

Professor Theodore L. Chaptman, a well-known professor at the university, announced that he will be publishing a book.

The book, on the same subject that he teaches in his popular class at the university, will reportedly have several hundred pages. On the pages, Chaptman said he fully intends to have printed words, as well as page numbers.

The book will be bound, in all likelihood, by a publishing house or printer. Chaptman’s contract with the printer calls for them to put a back and front cover on the book, which should by all estimations have a title and possibly a design on it.

It will not the first book Chaptman has written. “I have written many other books on my subject,” Chaptman said. “Like the ones in the past, this too will be in the English language, and written with very good grammar. Also, I am considering adding pictures, and maybe even a graph or chart this time.”

Dr. Dennis Eisner, chair of Chaptman’s department at the university, was excited to have one of his staff members publish a book.

“It further enhances Professor Chaptman’s prestige in his field, a field in which he has written many other books.” Eisner said. “All of his books have been well-received, and we expect this one to be as well. It will have pictures.”

Noted photographer Jars Laman has been hired to shoot and compile photos for the book. Laman has shot many pictures on this subject, and is considered to be the best photographer in Chaptman’s field. The photos are expected to be developed, on paper, with a visible image. Laman has not decided whether to use color or black and white film. In any case, he will put film in the camera when he shoots the photos.

“If it is dark I will use a flash with my camera,” Laman said.

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