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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Professor To Publish Book

“It will have pages,” Say Sources

Professor Theodore L. Chaptman, a well-known professor at the university, announced that he will be publishing a book.

The book, on the same subject that he teaches in his popular class at the university, will reportedly have several hundred pages. On the pages, Chaptman said he fully intends to have printed words, as well as page numbers.

The book will be bound, in all likelihood, by a publishing house or printer. Chaptman’s contract with the printer calls for them to put a back and front cover on the book, which should by all estimations have a title and possibly a design on it.

It will not the first book Chaptman has written. “I have written many other books on my subject,” Chaptman said. “Like the ones in the past, this too will be in the English language, and written with very good grammar. Also, I am considering adding pictures, and maybe even a graph or chart this time.”

Dr. Dennis Eisner, chair of Chaptman’s department at the university, was excited to have one of his staff members publish a book.

“It further enhances Professor Chaptman’s prestige in his field, a field in which he has written many other books.” Eisner said. “All of his books have been well-received, and we expect this one to be as well. It will have pictures.”

Noted photographer Jars Laman has been hired to shoot and compile photos for the book. Laman has shot many pictures on this subject, and is considered to be the best photographer in Chaptman’s field. The photos are expected to be developed, on paper, with a visible image. Laman has not decided whether to use color or black and white film. In any case, he will put film in the camera when he shoots the photos.

“If it is dark I will use a flash with my camera,” Laman said.

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