adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Progressive Parents Refuse To Tell Child Its Sex

BERKELEY, CA—Citing a refusal to impose limiting social constructs on their offspring, parents Lucas Cady and Kat Loesel reported Monday they will not tell their 4-year-old, Quynn, whether the child is biologically male or female. "Who are Kat and I to say what sexual organs our kid possesses?" asked Loesel, who has dressed Quynn in dull gray smocks since birth and only allows the child to play with toy figures that have been neutered of any conventionally feminine or masculine characteristics. "We think it's important our child's frequent questions about girls and boys go unanswered so that Quynn can discover its true sex for itself." The couple also said that parents should be supportive of children who decide they do not have human genitalia at all.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close