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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Promise Of Hot Meal, Free Uniform All Juwan Howard Needed To Sign With Blazers

PORTLAND, OR—Speaking with members of the Portland media Tuesday, veteran forward Juwan Howard announced between spoonfuls of complimentary tomato soup that he was excited to be a part of the Trail Blazers' organization, and was "proud and grateful" to wear the team's free uniform. "It's exciting to be a part of this team, but the fact that [team owner] Paul [Allen] promised me free rye bread here today was really the determining factor," said the 6-foot-9 power forward, who arrived to the press conference shirtless. "I look forward to contributing in any way I can. Hey, I'll be getting an away jersey, too, right? Gets so cold at night." Howard was the fifth player selected in the 1994 draft, and ever since has been wearing the Washington Bullets hat the team gave him that night.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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