Proposed Bill Would Bring 4,000 Troops Back To Life

Top Headlines

Recent News

How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Real Estate

Proposed Bill Would Bring 4,000 Troops Back To Life

WASHINGTON—With more American military casualties in 2007 than any year since the war began, a bipartisan group of House representatives introduced a bill Monday that calls for nearly 4,000 U.S. soldiers who have been killed in Iraq to be brought back to life.

Cosponsors John Boehner, left, and Bruce Braley, middle, told reporters how the bill would make everything all better Tuesday.

"These brave men and women gave their lives for our country," Rep. Wayne Gilchrest (R-MD), a cosponsor of the bill, told Congress yesterday. "The least we can do is give them back."

Though most Democrats and Republicans remain deadlocked on the issue of a possible troop withdrawal, leaders on both sides have been able to agree that bringing thousands of soldiers back from the dead and returning them home to their families, alive and well, like nothing ever happened, is the "only honorable choice."

"Our proposal would completely change the course of the conflict from hundreds of people dying every day to everyone suddenly being alive again," said Rep. Bruce Braley (D-IA), donning a "Support Our  Troops—Bring 'Em Back From The Dead" ribbon. "This will not only improve morale at home and abroad, but will also make everything all better."

Supporters of the bill march in New York.

"I think we can all agree that making everything all better would vastly improve the situation in Iraq," Braley added.

The bill, H.R. 702, stipulates that immediately upon its passage into law, the 4,000 brave soldiers who have lost their lives in Iraq come marching triumphantly over the horizon, directly into the arms of their loved ones, looking the same as they did on the day they left home. Article II, Section 3 of the bill requires that each soldier be carrying one apple pie, to be consumed in full with family members as they sit around the dinner table and laugh and sing. A proviso in Article III states that everything will go back to the way it was before.

The bill would also prohibit troops currently stationed in Iraq from ever dying.

According to House minority leader John Boehner (R-OH), the measure, already long overdue, is the most effective way to ensure that the growing casualty rate in Iraq is instantly reversed and reduced to zero.

"How much longer are we going to let these troops stay deceased? Two years? Three years? Forever?" Boehner said. "If we allow this to happen, then the insurgents have already won."

Added Boehner: "Thousands have made the ultimate sacrifice. Let's make sure they are repaid for that sacrifice in kind."

Though the bill enjoys broad support, a number of politicians have claimed the move is shortsighted and could destabilize the region if the reanimated bodies of the U.S. military returned to the living world as undead ghouls devoid of consciousness. Braley, however, dismissed such fears.

"I assure the American people that the reborn troops will appear just as alive and vital as they did mere moments before they were killed. In no way will they be an unholy abomination of undead flesh," Braley said.

Scheduled to be put to a vote in December, the bill has endured numerous setbacks, including fierce debate over which soldier should be brought back to life first, a core of Republicans who say they will only vote yes on the condition that the reanimated troops are immediately redeployed to Iraq, and Sen. Ted Stevens' (R-AK) multiple attempts to tack a rider onto the bill that would bring back his dead wife.

Though the bill is expected to pass the House, some Senators claim suddenly bringing back thousands of deceased Americans might send the wrong message to America's enemies.

"The tide in Iraq is turning," Sen. Joseph Lieberman (ID-CT) said. "American men and women dying in droves has worked thus far—it is not time to abandon this strategy."

Congress is also expected to begin drafting legislation that would completely heal all 28,385 wounded U.S. soldiers. If passed into law, any troops who have lost limbs to amputation, infection, or car-bomb explosions can expect their arms and legs to grow back within six months. In addition, the bill would guarantee that those suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder will not have post-traumatic stress disorder anymore.

Even if the measure passes both the House and Senate, however, President Bush has promised to veto the bill.