adBlockCheck

Proposed Bill Would Bring 4,000 Troops Back To Life

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Television

Proposed Bill Would Bring 4,000 Troops Back To Life

WASHINGTON—With more American military casualties in 2007 than any year since the war began, a bipartisan group of House representatives introduced a bill Monday that calls for nearly 4,000 U.S. soldiers who have been killed in Iraq to be brought back to life.

Cosponsors John Boehner, left, and Bruce Braley, middle, told reporters how the bill would make everything all better Tuesday.

"These brave men and women gave their lives for our country," Rep. Wayne Gilchrest (R-MD), a cosponsor of the bill, told Congress yesterday. "The least we can do is give them back."

Though most Democrats and Republicans remain deadlocked on the issue of a possible troop withdrawal, leaders on both sides have been able to agree that bringing thousands of soldiers back from the dead and returning them home to their families, alive and well, like nothing ever happened, is the "only honorable choice."

"Our proposal would completely change the course of the conflict from hundreds of people dying every day to everyone suddenly being alive again," said Rep. Bruce Braley (D-IA), donning a "Support Our  Troops—Bring 'Em Back From The Dead" ribbon. "This will not only improve morale at home and abroad, but will also make everything all better."

Supporters of the bill march in New York.

"I think we can all agree that making everything all better would vastly improve the situation in Iraq," Braley added.

The bill, H.R. 702, stipulates that immediately upon its passage into law, the 4,000 brave soldiers who have lost their lives in Iraq come marching triumphantly over the horizon, directly into the arms of their loved ones, looking the same as they did on the day they left home. Article II, Section 3 of the bill requires that each soldier be carrying one apple pie, to be consumed in full with family members as they sit around the dinner table and laugh and sing. A proviso in Article III states that everything will go back to the way it was before.

The bill would also prohibit troops currently stationed in Iraq from ever dying.

According to House minority leader John Boehner (R-OH), the measure, already long overdue, is the most effective way to ensure that the growing casualty rate in Iraq is instantly reversed and reduced to zero.

"How much longer are we going to let these troops stay deceased? Two years? Three years? Forever?" Boehner said. "If we allow this to happen, then the insurgents have already won."

Added Boehner: "Thousands have made the ultimate sacrifice. Let's make sure they are repaid for that sacrifice in kind."

Though the bill enjoys broad support, a number of politicians have claimed the move is shortsighted and could destabilize the region if the reanimated bodies of the U.S. military returned to the living world as undead ghouls devoid of consciousness. Braley, however, dismissed such fears.

"I assure the American people that the reborn troops will appear just as alive and vital as they did mere moments before they were killed. In no way will they be an unholy abomination of undead flesh," Braley said.

Scheduled to be put to a vote in December, the bill has endured numerous setbacks, including fierce debate over which soldier should be brought back to life first, a core of Republicans who say they will only vote yes on the condition that the reanimated troops are immediately redeployed to Iraq, and Sen. Ted Stevens' (R-AK) multiple attempts to tack a rider onto the bill that would bring back his dead wife.

Though the bill is expected to pass the House, some Senators claim suddenly bringing back thousands of deceased Americans might send the wrong message to America's enemies.

"The tide in Iraq is turning," Sen. Joseph Lieberman (ID-CT) said. "American men and women dying in droves has worked thus far—it is not time to abandon this strategy."

Congress is also expected to begin drafting legislation that would completely heal all 28,385 wounded U.S. soldiers. If passed into law, any troops who have lost limbs to amputation, infection, or car-bomb explosions can expect their arms and legs to grow back within six months. In addition, the bill would guarantee that those suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder will not have post-traumatic stress disorder anymore.

Even if the measure passes both the House and Senate, however, President Bush has promised to veto the bill.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close