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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Proposed Bill Would Bring 4,000 Troops Back To Life

WASHINGTON—With more American military casualties in 2007 than any year since the war began, a bipartisan group of House representatives introduced a bill Monday that calls for nearly 4,000 U.S. soldiers who have been killed in Iraq to be brought back to life.

Cosponsors John Boehner, left, and Bruce Braley, middle, told reporters how the bill would make everything all better Tuesday.

"These brave men and women gave their lives for our country," Rep. Wayne Gilchrest (R-MD), a cosponsor of the bill, told Congress yesterday. "The least we can do is give them back."

Though most Democrats and Republicans remain deadlocked on the issue of a possible troop withdrawal, leaders on both sides have been able to agree that bringing thousands of soldiers back from the dead and returning them home to their families, alive and well, like nothing ever happened, is the "only honorable choice."

"Our proposal would completely change the course of the conflict from hundreds of people dying every day to everyone suddenly being alive again," said Rep. Bruce Braley (D-IA), donning a "Support Our  Troops—Bring 'Em Back From The Dead" ribbon. "This will not only improve morale at home and abroad, but will also make everything all better."

Supporters of the bill march in New York.

"I think we can all agree that making everything all better would vastly improve the situation in Iraq," Braley added.

The bill, H.R. 702, stipulates that immediately upon its passage into law, the 4,000 brave soldiers who have lost their lives in Iraq come marching triumphantly over the horizon, directly into the arms of their loved ones, looking the same as they did on the day they left home. Article II, Section 3 of the bill requires that each soldier be carrying one apple pie, to be consumed in full with family members as they sit around the dinner table and laugh and sing. A proviso in Article III states that everything will go back to the way it was before.

The bill would also prohibit troops currently stationed in Iraq from ever dying.

According to House minority leader John Boehner (R-OH), the measure, already long overdue, is the most effective way to ensure that the growing casualty rate in Iraq is instantly reversed and reduced to zero.

"How much longer are we going to let these troops stay deceased? Two years? Three years? Forever?" Boehner said. "If we allow this to happen, then the insurgents have already won."

Added Boehner: "Thousands have made the ultimate sacrifice. Let's make sure they are repaid for that sacrifice in kind."

Though the bill enjoys broad support, a number of politicians have claimed the move is shortsighted and could destabilize the region if the reanimated bodies of the U.S. military returned to the living world as undead ghouls devoid of consciousness. Braley, however, dismissed such fears.

"I assure the American people that the reborn troops will appear just as alive and vital as they did mere moments before they were killed. In no way will they be an unholy abomination of undead flesh," Braley said.

Scheduled to be put to a vote in December, the bill has endured numerous setbacks, including fierce debate over which soldier should be brought back to life first, a core of Republicans who say they will only vote yes on the condition that the reanimated troops are immediately redeployed to Iraq, and Sen. Ted Stevens' (R-AK) multiple attempts to tack a rider onto the bill that would bring back his dead wife.

Though the bill is expected to pass the House, some Senators claim suddenly bringing back thousands of deceased Americans might send the wrong message to America's enemies.

"The tide in Iraq is turning," Sen. Joseph Lieberman (ID-CT) said. "American men and women dying in droves has worked thus far—it is not time to abandon this strategy."

Congress is also expected to begin drafting legislation that would completely heal all 28,385 wounded U.S. soldiers. If passed into law, any troops who have lost limbs to amputation, infection, or car-bomb explosions can expect their arms and legs to grow back within six months. In addition, the bill would guarantee that those suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder will not have post-traumatic stress disorder anymore.

Even if the measure passes both the House and Senate, however, President Bush has promised to veto the bill.

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