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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Proposed Legislation Offers Citizenship To Immigrants Who Can Play Piano So Good It Makes Everyone Cry

WASHINGTON—The continued efforts of lawmakers to overhaul the nation’s immigration system gained considerable momentum Wednesday when House Speaker John Boehner announced that he would allow House Republicans to vote on a bipartisan reform plan that offers citizenship to immigrants who can play the piano so damned good that it just makes everyone cry. “The House fully supports a broad immigration bill that includes a path to citizenship to immigrants who can sit down at a shiny Steinway piano, close their eyes, and move audiences to tears with a haunting solo piano performance that makes you well up with emotion and say, ‘Wow, this guy can really play,’” Boehner said before a joint session of Congress, pledging support for a Senate-backed bill that would grant citizenship to young Asian children, Eastern European men, and other potential immigrants who can play the shit out of a piano to the point where all you can do is sit there with your jaw open because the whole thing is just so touching and evocative. “Even if said individual is undocumented and entered onto U.S. soil illegally, we are more than willing to grant said individual legal status should they play a stirring piano rendition of either ‘Pachelbel’s Canon,’ Beethoven’s ‘Moonlight Sonata,’ or possibly the theme from Schindler’s List with great poise, stunning technique, and an almost unbearable sense of poignancy.” At press time, leadership in both parties had expressed support for further proposals to grant permanent citizenship to any immigrant who can make those steamed pork bun things that are so good you can’t stop eating them.

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