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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Proposed Legislation Offers Citizenship To Immigrants Who Can Play Piano So Good It Makes Everyone Cry

WASHINGTON—The continued efforts of lawmakers to overhaul the nation’s immigration system gained considerable momentum Wednesday when House Speaker John Boehner announced that he would allow House Republicans to vote on a bipartisan reform plan that offers citizenship to immigrants who can play the piano so damned good that it just makes everyone cry. “The House fully supports a broad immigration bill that includes a path to citizenship to immigrants who can sit down at a shiny Steinway piano, close their eyes, and move audiences to tears with a haunting solo piano performance that makes you well up with emotion and say, ‘Wow, this guy can really play,’” Boehner said before a joint session of Congress, pledging support for a Senate-backed bill that would grant citizenship to young Asian children, Eastern European men, and other potential immigrants who can play the shit out of a piano to the point where all you can do is sit there with your jaw open because the whole thing is just so touching and evocative. “Even if said individual is undocumented and entered onto U.S. soil illegally, we are more than willing to grant said individual legal status should they play a stirring piano rendition of either ‘Pachelbel’s Canon,’ Beethoven’s ‘Moonlight Sonata,’ or possibly the theme from Schindler’s List with great poise, stunning technique, and an almost unbearable sense of poignancy.” At press time, leadership in both parties had expressed support for further proposals to grant permanent citizenship to any immigrant who can make those steamed pork bun things that are so good you can’t stop eating them.

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