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Protagonist Rapidly Getting Dressed Must Be Late, Reports Cunning Viewer Recognizing Film’s Subtext

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.
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Protagonist Rapidly Getting Dressed Must Be Late, Reports Cunning Viewer Recognizing Film’s Subtext

LOUISVILLE, KY—Pointing out multiple visual and diegetic cues that seem to suggest the character is running behind schedule, cunning 25-year-old movie watcher Alex Midthun told reporters Thursday that he can tell the protagonist of the film he is currently watching must be late for something. “It’s all implied beneath the surface, of course, but the references to the lead character’s lateness are there—for instance, the fact that he overslept is, I believe, strongly suggested by the shot of him waking up, seeing the time on his alarm clock, and bolting out of bed,” noted the stunningly observant man, who also referred reporters to the shot of the protagonist hopping around on one pant leg and scrambling to get dressed as a subtle yet apparent indication that the character almost certainly has an appointment of some kind for which he is currently running late. “This moment here, where he’s shoving his arms through his coat while holding a cup of coffee in one hand, informs the viewer, if only on an unconscious level, that perhaps this man is worried about not arriving on time to a location where his presence is in some way expected or required. That’s what I get from it, anyway, although I admit I have a tendency to overanalyze this stuff.” The abundantly clever man went on to caution that to draw any conclusions from the shot of a broken framed photo on the lead character’s mantel showing the protagonist and an unidentified woman in a wedding dress would, at this point, be pure conjecture.

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