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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Protagonist Rapidly Getting Dressed Must Be Late, Reports Cunning Viewer Recognizing Film’s Subtext

LOUISVILLE, KY—Pointing out multiple visual and diegetic cues that seem to suggest the character is running behind schedule, cunning 25-year-old movie watcher Alex Midthun told reporters Thursday that he can tell the protagonist of the film he is currently watching must be late for something. “It’s all implied beneath the surface, of course, but the references to the lead character’s lateness are there—for instance, the fact that he overslept is, I believe, strongly suggested by the shot of him waking up, seeing the time on his alarm clock, and bolting out of bed,” noted the stunningly observant man, who also referred reporters to the shot of the protagonist hopping around on one pant leg and scrambling to get dressed as a subtle yet apparent indication that the character almost certainly has an appointment of some kind for which he is currently running late. “This moment here, where he’s shoving his arms through his coat while holding a cup of coffee in one hand, informs the viewer, if only on an unconscious level, that perhaps this man is worried about not arriving on time to a location where his presence is in some way expected or required. That’s what I get from it, anyway, although I admit I have a tendency to overanalyze this stuff.” The abundantly clever man went on to caution that to draw any conclusions from the shot of a broken framed photo on the lead character’s mantel showing the protagonist and an unidentified woman in a wedding dress would, at this point, be pure conjecture.

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