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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Protagonist Rapidly Getting Dressed Must Be Late, Reports Cunning Viewer Recognizing Film’s Subtext

LOUISVILLE, KY—Pointing out multiple visual and diegetic cues that seem to suggest the character is running behind schedule, cunning 25-year-old movie watcher Alex Midthun told reporters Thursday that he can tell the protagonist of the film he is currently watching must be late for something. “It’s all implied beneath the surface, of course, but the references to the lead character’s lateness are there—for instance, the fact that he overslept is, I believe, strongly suggested by the shot of him waking up, seeing the time on his alarm clock, and bolting out of bed,” noted the stunningly observant man, who also referred reporters to the shot of the protagonist hopping around on one pant leg and scrambling to get dressed as a subtle yet apparent indication that the character almost certainly has an appointment of some kind for which he is currently running late. “This moment here, where he’s shoving his arms through his coat while holding a cup of coffee in one hand, informs the viewer, if only on an unconscious level, that perhaps this man is worried about not arriving on time to a location where his presence is in some way expected or required. That’s what I get from it, anyway, although I admit I have a tendency to overanalyze this stuff.” The abundantly clever man went on to caution that to draw any conclusions from the shot of a broken framed photo on the lead character’s mantel showing the protagonist and an unidentified woman in a wedding dress would, at this point, be pure conjecture.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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