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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Protagonist Rapidly Getting Dressed Must Be Late, Reports Cunning Viewer Recognizing Film’s Subtext

LOUISVILLE, KY—Pointing out multiple visual and diegetic cues that seem to suggest the character is running behind schedule, cunning 25-year-old movie watcher Alex Midthun told reporters Thursday that he can tell the protagonist of the film he is currently watching must be late for something. “It’s all implied beneath the surface, of course, but the references to the lead character’s lateness are there—for instance, the fact that he overslept is, I believe, strongly suggested by the shot of him waking up, seeing the time on his alarm clock, and bolting out of bed,” noted the stunningly observant man, who also referred reporters to the shot of the protagonist hopping around on one pant leg and scrambling to get dressed as a subtle yet apparent indication that the character almost certainly has an appointment of some kind for which he is currently running late. “This moment here, where he’s shoving his arms through his coat while holding a cup of coffee in one hand, informs the viewer, if only on an unconscious level, that perhaps this man is worried about not arriving on time to a location where his presence is in some way expected or required. That’s what I get from it, anyway, although I admit I have a tendency to overanalyze this stuff.” The abundantly clever man went on to caution that to draw any conclusions from the shot of a broken framed photo on the lead character’s mantel showing the protagonist and an unidentified woman in a wedding dress would, at this point, be pure conjecture.

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